SMS: Spare My Sufferings

“D, sty c%l, I m goin 2 cmp dis wkn”. This is the exact SMS my little girl sent me over the weekend. It actually reads “Dad, stay cool, I am going to camp this weekend”, for those less fortunate dinosaurs like me. SMS like these really drives me nuts and it takes the receiver a longer time to understand the real message. I can accept sms of this nature if it is on a casual basis, but what if it was meant to be official request from a client? Like “c me @ 4 4 biz dis. @ 4 c sons htl” ???? Can you understand? Took me 3 hours 22 minutes and 15 seconds to understand this…..by which time he called me and give me the right voice message. It reads “see me at 4pm for business discussion at four seasons hotel”.

Why cant people make life simpler by relying on the age old Alex Bell phone? Crank, crank………voice message. Neat and tidy, we kill lesser brain cells and definitely be punctual for the meeting.

I don't know who invented SMS and I certainly unsure when the SMS culture hit me. I remember the good old days when we call and talk in a vocal manner. Then, in a matter of seconds, we turned to virtual chats….using the SMS jargons. We alienate the ‘closeness’ through a mere minimalist (French for utterly irresponsible) approach, and start sending short indecipherable messages. I challenge you to read and understand the following messages:

a. Sry m8 gtg
b. Hw r u doin, c u l8r
c. Ttyl
d. 4evr frens
e. w/e
f. ilu
g. iirc
h. wut, duh
i. plz…..4 m oli

I give up, the list is endless.

a. Sorry mate, got to go
b. How are u doing, see you later
c. Talk to you later
d. Forever friends
e. Whatever
f. I love you
g. If I remember correctly
h. What, duh!
i. Please for me only

Coincidently, I just received a message on my phone and it reads “cmb”….and I was like …….huh? Keeping abreast with technology, I replied……”waz cmb”. A few minutes later, the reply came back as…..”u cli cow, sht 4 call me back”. Sweat lah!

Bad enuf? (see this sms virus is really contagious). To me, this is not the end. I have sms messages with some toppings too. “I mis u, :)”, “:-0, tats c%l!”, “:*”, “(-.-)Zzz” and another set of endless symbol.

How can we cope with the wide repertoire of changes at our age? I am somewhat :O and ; / if you know what I mean.

AAM, T2Go M8, TTFN. 8-) *^_^*.

May God bless us all..........u reckon HE understands SMS? If HE does, the ten commandments will look very different, that much I can guarantee.

Being Punctual: Obvious or Oblivious

My best guesstimate is 99.999999% of us really don’t have the habit of being punctual for any appointments. I could be wrong but by two decimal places if you are really pedantic. So why is this degree of sluggishness so persistent? Is it due to our internal clock’s inability to synchronise with the real time? Or is it that, we allow lame excuses eg being caught by the bad traffic conditions or, the brother of our grandaunt friend’s neighbour came……..or whatever excuses we can dream up to make up our tardiness.

Can we then safely assume that it is the norm that a minute amount of lateness is generally acceptable and understandable? The so-call peer behaviour renders the unspoken understanding and hence, no apology is needed. How is that when it comes to your turn to wait, you make a fuss on how frustrating it was to stand in the middle of the road waiting for him or her. Not fair, isn’t it?

I was at a social gathering last night and the hall was virtually empty when I arrived on time. The only noticeable beings were the crew of helpers setting up the tables and testing the microphones. How unfortunate! I bet you the next time when I end up an hour late, the guests would probably be midway into the main course. But I am going to risk it, nonetheless to prove my point.

I have a hypothesis on punctuality. I believe it all started just before our birth. I still remember waiting at the hospital’s corridor for the arrival of my daughter. Eight hours into labour, and my girl made no attempt to arrive at the expense of her mummy’s excruciating pain. I started counting the number of buttons on my shirt, the length of the corridors, number of leaves on the plants and number of holes on my shoe lace (ever wonder why shoemakers like to use odd holes not even?, I don't know the answer, perhaps someone enlighten me) and etc etc. I must be somewhere counting the cost of bringing her up to university when the nurse called me in to witness her arrival. She cried loudly, as if she has been yanked out too early without her consent! My goodness, really, that’s the beginning of her being late for almost everything she embarks. The point is, a chip somehow is planted in her brain that inherently makes all efforts to delay and never to be punctual for the rest of her life.

Then the schooling years begun, and a long journey if you consider my academic years! If you are curious about my schooling years, you will be disappointed because I am not compelled to share it today……..hahaha. Now where was I??? Ah! Yes, you can’t wake up on time because 6:00 to 7:00 am is perhaps the best sleeping time. I don't know about you, but I always imagine doing things in a virtual manner. I would imagine leaving my bed, cleaning my teeth and changing to my school uniform and before I knew it, I was still in bed and clearly late for the school bus！I, inevitably, ended up at the school gate serving my ‘sentence’ for being late. The so call punishment for being late isn’t harsh because like any kids of my age, I don't mind waiting at the school gate while the classes commence. Hey, I missed a period, so what! Being late does has its’ merit, we can share a few minutes of talks about the TV yesterday or to catch up with the last minute sleep! So to speak, we are rewarded for being late in our school years. That’s encouraging enough. As the years moved on, you cooked up really innovative excuses for being late. My infamous excuse to my headmaster was, “Sir, I set the time to wake up but I forget to set the alarm!”. I swore when I first use this excuse, there was a grin (a sheepish one) at the corner of my headmaster’s lips. But as time went, the originality disappeared and a new line of excuse is being dreamed up. All, for the sake of not being punctual!

I also remember the eternal wait for my favourite cartoon eons ago. Ultraman or Giant Robot or whatever, and time really stood still then! For no matter how hard I tried, only the second hand seems to be moving, the minute and the hour hand stood like eternity. And when the show starts, time seems to fly. Just when you shifted your position, there is this thing call advertisement and everybody scramble for a better position. For no matter how hard you try to get a comfortable seat, there is always an idiot sitting right in front of you and blocking three quarter of the TV. Pretty ironic, isn’t it? And that was when the notion of being late crops in. You need to be the last person to get the best seat! Unknown to anyone, yourself included, such behaviour is being instilled at your tender age.

Moving on to the dating years, and I can claim to be a guru in this arena. All you need to do is to read my one and only book on dating games to concur my guru status. It is entitled “Your place or mine?”. The fun in Your place or mine is extended to all phases of the guy’s dating life….finding out what is most important to this sexy man, will lead you down a path filled with tongue-in-cheek humor, that may have you laughing out loud. The surprise ending will amaze you…an unmistakable writing style that is sure to please once again…….wow! hehehehe I made it up with my wildest fantasy. In my years of dating girls, there isn’t anyone that will turn up promptly, be it at the designated place or time. Most will take anything in the order of 1 to 3 hours, depending on the time of the day. You see, girls would spend hours in front of the mirror, only to be coaxed into changing again by a casual remark by a sister. “it may not fit you, sis, too grand” or “it just isn’t you!”, another hour wasted. Being late for a lady is all due to vanity, hence there isn’t the need to make a fuss even if she were to turn up a day late!

Beyond this point, the awareness of punctuality gets beyond repair. There is the work stress, deadlines, family problems etc each contributing to the severity. We don't get to meet any friends due to work’s commitments and if we do we always ended up hours later than schedule. We celebrated the birthdays/anniversaries of our love ones in retrospect (we forget?) and we watch DVDs at home, not because it is cheaper but we missed the show due to our own lateness. In short, we have other priorities!

I haven’t move into the sunset years because I just entered my middle age but young at heart stage……hahahaha. Looking at my dad, I know to a certain degree I will end up like him. Severe memory loss and slowness made him late in almost anything. A) he takes a lot of time changing, B) he walks slowly C) he goes to the toilet too often D) he refuses to unseat himself until the TV show is over (even though the show was repeated, memory loss kwah!). So we make up his shortcomings by citing an hour earlier to the schedule time, and even then his perennial lateness persists.

Oopsie daisy, I am late to witness the signing of a new project in Cambodia. Okay, you may stop reading now else you will be late too.........................

WILLingness Vs. UnWILLingness

Marcus, a close confidant of mine, will be going through his very own D-day today. He has confided his woes to me on our numerous outings, never dropping the slightest hint of an impending civil marriage. And to complicate the whole matter, he has engaged his buddy WILL as the best-man for the occasion. That’s really a D-day for my confidant! D-day during WWII saw thousands perished in the name of LIBERATION. History recorded Eisenhower postponed the actual Normandy landings for a day because of bad weather. I wonder if Marcus would replicate the gesture out of cold feet………. I guess not, as Typhoon Neoguri which brought havoc to Hong Kong last weekend came a few days too early!

Marcus, bless his soul, has always been optimistic about his life, career, and hopefully his relationship. He is so optimistic that he coined his name as Marriage Always Requires Careful Uncompromised Sacrifices (MARCUS). I told him yesterday, on reflection, Marcus actually stood for Meet Another Rascal Conceding Ubiquitous inSanity (MARCUS?).

I sound like an immoral brute of the worst order, something which I am not proud to admit but nonetheless given the circumstances in which I am about to witness, I have no other alternatives. Many people are blessed with the fortune of finding their better halves and a relationship that grows with time. There is also a big proportion that went through the whole thing, only to be troubled by endless further troubles. I am not a sage as such, my words are no wisdoms to many, but at least it came from deep within my heart. I have fullest empathy towards this old friend of mine, and I hope his days ahead will be forever blessed with good fortunes and understandings. I am sincere in this respect.

Towards WILL, I have nothing to add except he is a likeable chap amongst the rich and for the middle class, like us, we loathe with his presence. To me, my life would be better off if WILL never crosses my path. WILL considers himself indispensable, and in actual fact, he considers our acquaintance will stretch to our next generation with him as the guardian angel. Guardian, my foot WILL! Folks, if you ever come close to WILL, please prepare to tangent off your path because it is best for you to do so.

MARCUS, uphold whatever belief you have on your D-day, don't let my pessimism dictate your important day. D-day may mean liberation in WWII but to you, I believe it is THE HONOUR TO COMMIT. I understand your willingness to honour a lifetime of commitments towards your better half. I also sympathize to your predicament and unwillingness to associate WILL’s presence. Whatever you do, just make sure that WILL is out of the equation. Have a party and forget WILL forever!

The Land of Strange Names

I had a brief breakfast meeting today at one of the swanky hotel over at Hong Kong Island. It is the usual conversation in between mouthful of cereals and fruits whereby the client bragged over his intended development, the high tech image and along with a whole load of rubbish. How much can you do to change the image of your development when it is located next to the Solid Waste Transfer Station? I give up. What actually surprised me isn't the development, or rather his usual bullshits but his name card. He flashed out his new name card to me, indicating a change of his own name to Archibald Christopher Choi. He had always been known as Chris Choi in my years of having the unfortunate pleasure of his acquaintance. And now suddenly I have to address him as Arche? Or should still be Chris? Sweat lah, if you ask me.

Which brings me back to today’s blog on uncommon names in Hong Kong. It has been a tradition that students adopt a Christian name on the enrolment to secondary schools. I can tell you from my years here, the names they have chosen are simply weird. Here are some of those names:

Starters

a. Jinky Chui ===sounds like a drug addict to me
b. Yennie Yau ===sounds like being scratch at the back
c. Cissy Chan ===how adorable, but what if he is a guy?
d. Tonny Chow ==sounds like a bricklayer to me
e. Sunny Tai ====Big Sun?
f. Kan Chan ====sounds like can can dancers to me
g. Man Lui ====yeah, baby, I know you are a man!
h. Pento Chan ===sounds like a car?
i. Gemdia Lee ===jam saya lagi best
j. Wing Chiu ====I believe I can fly!
k. Bird Wong ====I am flying……
l. Wellman Cheng ===I am well but what about you?
m. Atlas Chan ======I am poor in geography, I need an atlas
n. Hormony Hsu ====psssh! I misspell Harmony
o. Polen Wong =====I am a pollen grain, and I like to pollinate
p. Paris Wong ======Bonjour mes amis, le nom complet Paris Wong
q. West Leung ======I like the wild wild west
r. Dettorio Wong ===I am very hygienic, dettol is the name
s. Guy Tse ======= I smell like chicken shit

Serious Contenders

a. Power Chan === I got the power!!! But I ain't got the speed………..
b. Tiger Chung ===Risin’ up, back in the street, did my time, took my chances…Rocky?
c. Leoman Ho === Leo is my horoscope…I changed to Michael now but my name still stuck!
d. Vivi Ho ====sounds like vi wang vi wang
e. Saliva Li ===wow!
f. Galaxy Cheng== I belong to this universe
g. Joss Chan ====Joss stick?
h. Willy Chiu ====oh no! smelly you know what!
i. Park Chiu ====no parking space left?
j. Eddycol Li ===alamak sounds E-coli
k. Camby Se ===can be seen?
l. Holly Shi ====Holy Shit!
m. Big Wang ====How big?
n. Awa Yang ===== A wayang?
o. Pippen Yung ===Peeping Yung?
p. Cute Fok =====really?

And you wouldn't believe these are just some of the names I picked up from my office directory!

Coming up to our 3rd place winner

Alcohol Mok ==== he drinks like a fish? No, he works like a bee!

2nd place winner

Thomas Shit @ Thomas Sit ==== I felt like shitting now

And the 1st place winner

Manna Ada Kam ====She kept telling me, ‘it is Man-na A-da” but I told her “Mana Ada”….where got gold???

My wife and I have been deliberating on a name for our child, and I take the liberty of choosing the appropriate name for him. I take no risk in letting him a choice in this land of strange names. I shall call him Abel Abraham Yin.

Hey, you win some, you lose some, son!

Thou shall not Cheat

I had a Skype conversation with a close buddy of mine this morning, and upon his persuasive suggestion, I decided to write him a blog on Mistress and Girl Friend. I think he is facing a dilemma and wished to delay no more or ends up 'd** la ma'....... Anyway, I have to be honest this is rather difficult subject to write because I haven’t a mistress to start with! I presume this is the sort of answer, a standard one if you ask me, you are likely to get from the male fraternity. Who would, in the right frame of mind, admit he has a mistress? I guess you need to make him go through the legendary Ching Dynasty Torture Chambers, and even then, there is a strong possibility that he will not admit to that submission. Thou shall not admit to thy cheats till thy kingdom comes……..never! You rather die at an instant of agony than to suffer a life time of prolonged agonies……..hehehehe.

Say, I said ‘say’ and this is hypothetical, if I ever have a mistress, I wouldn't hesitate to take on a Shu Qi lookalike. You may argue, “Ah…..you don't go just for the looks!” wouldn't you? Well look at it this in a more generic way; if you ever have the intention of indulging in the act of mistress and for the sake of argument keeping one, what else would you go for apart from the looks.

Ok, if you think such looks are too wild, I would suggest going for someone with a Rosamund Kwan lookalike. She is milder, prettier and may I add, more presentable in social gatherings. Speaking of which, I am not sure if, at all, men will bring along their mistresses to social gatherings. It is like, here she is…….my kept woman! I say……wow, you certainly will have my vote if there is ever a chairmanship for the Global Fraternity of United Careful Knobbies (GFUCK).

Girl friends, on the other hand, are a different breed of animal although they share the same gender as mistresses. You can bring them out to parties and get them to be a centre piece, shower them with compliments by your friends and fellow associates. Let’s face it; men are simply generous when it comes to paying compliments. The only time they failed in this arena is towards their wives. How many of us actually noticed our wives changed hairdo, or for that matter, remember how well she dressed for so & so’s wedding? The point is, we don't and that’s when all hell breaks loose.

Incidentally, that’s when the whole idea of girl friends and, even mistresses (for those brave hearts), crops in. I don't know about you but here is my little understanding on the differences between girl friend and mistress. I may be ineptly wrong but I am trying to stress my point……hahahaha

Towards Girl Friends

a. You can make them known to your friends
b. You can plan ahead a future with them
c. They may buy you gifts from time to time, but most of the time it is the other way
d. You can go shopping, play games, have dinners etc in public with them
e. You don't pay them with allowances
f. You can bring them home, and the family treats her as one of the members
g. You must be single to attract them
h. You need to pay extra compliments on them
i. You need to be extra observant towards them
j. You don't have to be rich, but they still love you
k. You are assured of a strange notion called “love”
l. You will one day marry her
m. You want to be with her, at least for now….hehehee

Towards Mistress

a. You need to be discreet
b. You constantly need a bag of excuses to lie and then to meet them
c. You need to pay them monthly allowances
d. You can’t bring them out for parties
e. You only buy them expensive gifts
f. You don't plan the future with them
g. You only see them in the prettiest attire
h. There is no such thing as “love” for them
i. You can’t take them home to introduce her
j. You get tired hopping between her home and yours
k. You are walking on fire
l. You will end up miserable and distress
m. She knows too much about you, and threatens your security and integrity
n. You might consider ‘bombing’ her…..ding ding!!!

I say this again, I don't have a mistress or a girl friend now!!!!! Just don't send me to the torture chamber, please.

Dilemma or Delay No More

I read somewhere (and I can’t quite remember when) that if you think and dream in English, you are then a full fledge Brit. To this, I give the V sign to whoever said this but with the palm backwards! Get stuffed, man…..The trouble with the Pomes is that they are so self-centred, shallow and naïve, in short “Ketuanan Inggeris”. See what happened to our own country when you have that “ketuanan” mentality? Ding! Ding! Anyway, this is not a blog about this topic, I promise to come back in the future on this ....hehehehehe. Now where was I……??? Ah! Yes, may I add, thanks for all the fish and chips, the lager, those steak-n-kidney pies (be careful chap, ever heard mad cow disease?) and not forgetting the education.

Perhaps it is that dejavu feeling, lately, after so many years in Hong Kong I am beginning to behave like one. I utter Cantonese even in my dream, work like hell and walk seemingly (like zombies) like any Hongkies. OMG, does that make me another obnoxious hongkie? If I do, please stop me from yakking with 100 decibels even though we are 1.5 ft apart.

Hong Kong has been my home base for a long time now. I said “home base” because all these years I told myself I am like any tourists here, coming to HK shop and go. It is only lately that I rediscover my loose association with HK. I am no lesser a Hongkie than the guy in Prada suit sitting next to me in the restaurant, nor am I any different from my local butcher clad in a rotten singlet with the pork blood smeared across his waist. And I have to qualify it is not the case whereby I am less patriotic than any of my fellow countrymen. I still read The Star and Malaysia Today every morning in between mouthful of instant noodles or bread with lai-char.

I still keep in touch with the progress of our badminton team, and will always sit at the front row to cheer our ‘juara kampungs’ even though their primary task is to disappoint me. But, by and large, that doesn't deter my patriotism for our country. I still love the country as it was, to say the least, never mind the flip-flopping act or whatever nicknames they cared to affectionately label the VVIPs.

Hong Kong is a city the never sleeps; its streets constantly kept busy by 'nocturnal' beings (how is that these people don’t sleep at all???). My theory is, to the Hongkies, time is money, and a minute lost is a step away from fortune. Whatever they do, it will not be far from gambling (horse racing) and money. Life here is addictive, and no matter how stressful and assiduous it may be, people will return to this small place.

It is a place where you could spend lavishly on fine dining and yet, at the same time, eat happily for a mere $20 lunch box. It is also a place where you get to experience the real lifestyle of relentless crowds of people, crushing themselves into MTR, restaurants, buses, parks, roads and you name it. It is also the only place when you have a chance to hit a $50 million jackpot 6 times a year! Not bad leh….except you are not the winner!

Which brings me to this point, for you will know you are part of the hongkie cult when:

1. You go to yum cha every day.
2. You go to concerts more than going to church.
3. You speak loudly in any crowded areas.
4. You car is filled with stuffed toys.
5. Your regular slang includes: PK and DNLM
6. You love the number “2” (easy), “3” (sang) and “8” (fatt).
7. You believe in feng shui.
8. You call your male teachers AH-SIR.
9. You call your female teachers MISSE.
10. You love to wear famous brand clothes: DKNY, Versace, Chanel, Polo, etc.

11. You buy grade A, B & C imitations across the border.
12. You are label “pork chop” if you weigh over 100 pounds
13. You walk as though you are running.
14. You apartment is about the size of a shoebox.
15. You know how to maximize your storage area.
16. You collect almost everything ranging from tickets to straws
17. You speculate at every opportunity

18. You are a gossip monger. You love juicy tales……
19. You don't call lottery as "toto" You call it "Mark Six" instead.
20. You pretend you know Mandarin even though you DON'T.
21. You only use the word "toilet," you never use the words "bathroom," or "restroom."
22. You play mahjong at somebody’s wedding and still think it is ok.
23. You know the difference between “ng goi and dor jie” but never quite use them.
24. You know what this means “ham ka chan”.
25. You will not give up your seat for anybody.
26. You rush in the MTR or bus before anybody comes out.
27. You queue up when you see others queuing, not knowing why the queue.
28. You participate in riot and demonstration at every opportunity.
29. You blast your headset to the loudest and become a walking speaker.
30. You can't tell the difference between "Welcome" and "Wellcome."
31. You have many many credit cards.
32. You love to gossip about HK entertainment.
33. When you say "how are you" in Mandarin, you are actually saying some foul words.
34. You never give French kiss in the public but you hug passionately in the MTR.
35. You speak Cantonese loudly in a monolingual society.
36. You only carry the latest cellular phone.
37. You study by memorizing.
38. You drink vita soy drink.
39. You wear Rolex and Cartier without any compromise
40. You eat instant noodles too much.
41. You don't wear shorts in summer.
42. You wear long sleeves in summer.
43. You can’t find a seat in McDonalds.
44. You pray for divine intervention all the time.
45. You ended up with a negative property asset.
46. You like japanese cartoon character.
47. Your school bag is made of real leather.
48. You also have a collection of robot models, built or yet to be built (Gundam).
49. Sales is all year round in Hong Kong.
50. You call westerners “gwei los”
51. You like to say “fatt tat”
52. You like call aunty “pak yau” instead of “pak moh”
53. You call your collection of books “yeng” instead of “shee”
54. You call a corpse “ham yue”
55. You call the police “chai lo” or Ah Sirrrrrr
56. You call a policewoman “chai po” or madam
57. You call bus "bah see."
58. You call cheese "chee see."
59. You call Mercedes Benz cars "Benz- see."
60. You curse when you “chai-see”
61. You eat too much and ended up “lai-see”
62. You go to concert and to be a “fan-see”
63. You say “thank you you” not realising saying ‘you’ twice.
64. You see everyone around you with SARS protection mask!
65. You say redundant words like “fei taan taan”, “yuen dam thei”, “ngong kiu kiu”
66. You say “delay no more” when you mean “dilemma” because you are likely to end up with “diu la ma” if forced to pronounce.
There is still a long list on the HK cult but I guess I have made my point. And so, may I say this to DSAI in a very hongkie way, delay no more, get the “Ketuanan Rakyat” in shape. Look closely at the Hongkie's accountability ministerialship policy. Study their mega projects transparency. Review how they overcome crisis management as in SARS. Look closely into their Stock Exchange and their many acts of listing. And, last but not least, the people and their dynamism and never quit spirits despite the odds. If we learn and inherit half of all these whilst keeping our patriotism, we will conquer half the world. We need not build the P Twin Towers as a showcase or for that matter any white elephants, we show the world how to do it!

Dent leh I will konsidar cumming hom arrr. Hom is always Malai, undarstan? I am going to shop now, any takers?? Joi kin from Heung Kong.

The Peril of entering a Marriage

A buddy of mine got married last Christmas after years of searching for his “the other half”. As a friend, I gladly offered my blessings/wishes to that all important day of his life. More appropriately, I just don't have the heart to remind him the other side of the marriage coin.

Fairy tales, as we may all have read, starts with “Once upon a time....” and ends with “and they lived happily ever after.” Marriage, on the other hand, starts with “Once upon a tomb……” and ends with “to death do they part” (lucky enough to be spared of the agony!).

The peril of entering a marriage starts with the traditional exchange wedding rings after they say their vows. The ring must be big, attention seeking, shiny etc enough for your wife to wear it! Never mind how difficult and how expensive those rings may cost you; there is always a remark from the other side. The ring is nice, but the diamonds are too small or silver…not platinum?

FOR HIM AND FOR HER, SPOT THE DIFFERENCES

And since these rings are symbols of the marriage, the words said during a ring exchange should reflect the couple's HOPES for their marriage. I say “HOPES” because quite often they don't mean it. Here are some examples wording to use during your ring exchange or ring ceremony to illustrate my point:

A. I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and faithfulness. As I place it on your finger, I commit my heart and soul to you. I ask you to wear this ring as a reminder of the vows we have spoken today, our wedding day.
Wow! Lest you claimed to have memory lost, such words and that ring will come back and haunts you to eternity.

B. This ring is a token of my love. I marry you with this ring, with all that I have and all that I am
The begging question is….what if all that you have is just yourself?

C. I give you this ring in God's name, as a symbol of all that we have promised and all that we shall share.
No, you don't share. It’s all hers for now.

D. with this ring, I thee wed, and with it, I bestow upon thee all the treasures of my mind, heart, and hands.
Afraid to say, that’s not want they want and quite rightfully immaterial.

You see, the true meaning of the vows we take is often overlooked during the ceremony. What exactly do we mean when we say "for better or for worse...", or for this matter “for better but NOT for worse…..”

My friend called me a week after his wedding, and said he hadn’t overcome with the “being married” status. I assured him that, in time, he will think otherwise and I gave him my version of the A to Z of marriage life:

A. you grow fatter
B. you can’t do anything alone anymore
C. you can’t sleep peacefully at night
D. you wallet is half the size it used to be
E. you are no longer have your friends, they are hers
F. you need to phone, inform her on matters big or small
G. you need to plan holidays of her choice
H. you have to remember at least 3 more dates, Valentines, her birthday and the anniversary, no forgetting your in-laws!
I. you need to carry all her shopping bags
J. you need to keep the smile even when you are not happy
L. you world evolve around her
M. you can’t come home without telling her how much you love her
N. you probably want kid, she don't
O. you probably don't want kid, she does
P. you need to find out why she is sometimes moody
Q. you need to sleep after her
R. you need to aim when you pee, else you will be a subject of lecture
S. you wake up in the morning, and prepare her breakfast
T. you need to pay extra extra compliments on whatever she does
U. you can’t choose for her, but she wants your opinion
V. you walk behind her
W. you can’t have your favorite TV show anymore
X. you wardrobe is only good enough for 3 shirts and 2 pants
Y. you need to take more showers, be more hygienic, she says
Z. you are no longer u.

Pretty pathetic, is it not? As a respect, I shall keep Jeffrey’s identity anonymous (oops! I just mentioned Jeff’s name………:)). Guys out there, do take note. Take your time for this is a Life Sentence.

Where is my Car's Battery?

I remember watching a comedy film entitled “Blast from the Past” many years ago. Well, I had a real life experience of blast from the past tonight, except it wasn’t the romantic comedy about the fallout of falling in love.

Coming home from Macau this evening, after a marathon 2 days management retreat, I was………..kind of exhausted. Management retreat to me, at the very least, is like a death sentence for senior staff member. The whole purpose is to lock a group of ‘old age pensioners’ or ‘dinosaurs’ or undesirably over-weight members in a room and make them think.

You know how difficult it is for stubborn old goats to admit their mistakes? ....I couldn’t categorically remember the exact place and time it took place, but I was most unfortunate to be there, and quite rightly made a haste decision. A decision that, given ample time to deliberate, weighed the pros and cons, subsequent consultation with the legality of the matter……..bla bla bla……yes, I would have made otherwise. Why can’t they admit in just one sentence, “Yes, it was a mistake, an over-sight in hindsight”?

You know how long it might take them to finish whatever they want to say? ....Let me see, now where was I…….ah! We were, as we are now, in the wake of a crisis. We don’t have the resources, as we have in the past when you and me were bright young lads eagerly trying to conquer this world……..ah…….yes, coming back to this point that you have just mentioned, I, or rather we in a collective manner, would want the decision to be made by a committee of able young bright sparks, supervised by the middle managerial working task group, submit in clear and concise report to the management a full review of the study we have in mind and………bla bla bla…….zzzzzzzzzzzz. Why do older people have this mentality of letting everyone a walk in the bush and purposefully seek to deliver a point that is like eternity???

Can you imagine the gratifying looks they have when they triumphantly located the right button to switch the projector? Yes, after hours of trial and errors, may I add! ....Ho ho ho, I knew it, I knew it, that was least expected as it all modern gadgets!

Anyway, that wasn’t the real reason for today’s blog (gee, that’s contagious or am I one of those stubborn old gits!). What I was trying to say was; I was dead tired. And as I finally slumbered onto my sofa, I received this unwelcome car from the car park attendant. My little car’s siren simply went crazy with the loudest and most persistent of noises that I have had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing. Utterly unpleasant incessant noise coupled with echo effects from the car park is no where near a symphony recital, I regret to say.

See…..a) I can’t open the doors of my car with my Smartkey because the car internal circuits over-ride everything. It took my ages to locate the metal key locate inside my key fob. Now I know why they use SmartKey and still retains the metal key inside. They are meant for oldies like me who still hung on to the past even with newer technologies, and b) when I finally got inside the car, it just wouldn’t allow me to start my car! Pretty smart German technology, if you ask an old fart like me. And worst of all, when I opened the front engine I couldn’t, for the life of me, locate the car battery. You would think that since the engine is in the front, the battery must be there too. Wrong! And after an exhaustive effort to locate the battery at the front, my friend and I are convinced it is at the car’s rear end. But we can’t open the back; the little circuit board simply over-rides everything. It is like an immobilization device, shutting down everything. CAN YOU FIND THE BATTERY HERE?

Clueless, we reluctantly called up Benz service centre, which came to the rescue and did the whole job in just under 9.254 minutes. It took me 2 hours 39 minutes and 28 seconds to find out the problem, not solving it though………life can be that cruel, you know! And if this wasn’t bad enough, it cost me $880 for the two technicians to come, and not forgetting I have yet to know how much will a replacement battery cost me.

Mercedes Benz, where style and craftsmanship is the truest measure of sophistication, you should demand nothing less than perfection from your car. And an exceptional blend of luxury and technology that makes every Benz a reflection of discerning taste. May I add, they do give you the trouble of locating a simple battery, be it the heart or the ass of the car?

Take the Mass Transit, or the bus, or a taxi, for then it will be others problem in locating car batteries……………I rest my case. And I am seriously considering changing the Benz to a Proton Saga, I bet I can effortlessly find the battery and immobilize the siren with just my last finger! Trust me, bagi uncle yang ketinggalan zaman ini, life can always be made simpler.

Tales from Bolehland

Found this in the archive of my email. Have to admit this is quite appropriately used in our daily life.

Who says our English is teruk.?
Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-point, effective etc........

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS

Brits: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want inyour size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Brits: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?

Malaysians: Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.

Brits: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?

Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY

Brits: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.

Malaysians: No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION

Brits: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING

Brits: Please make yourself right at home.

Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE

Brits: I don't recall you giving me the money.

Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER

Brits: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.

Malaysians: Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION

Brits: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.

Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONETO LOWER THEIR VOICE.

Brits: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.

Brits: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?

Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.

Brits: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.

Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED

Brits: Will someone tell me what has just happened?

Malaysians: Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Brits: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,

Malaysians: like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY

Brits: Would you mind not disturbing me

Malaysians: Celaka u

Aiseh, like that english also can.......better than 'no speakee inglish' lor. ding, ding...remember?

Politics......what the fussssssssssss!

While on an outing, last weekend, in China my mate and I mused upon the recent politic climate. It was a rather typical Kopitiam talk where nobody got serious as we had other priorities to attend……..say a game of golf, a hefty dinner followed by a rowdy karaoake session.

I always loved the 'If we don't do it then someone else will and they won't do it as well as we would have' argument because, in pretty much any other context, you would be labeled as 'Holier than thou' within seconds. There's this sort of belief that if it's so & so (it isn’t serious, so no names………) then it's awesome. If so & so does it, it will be great. Basically it's an example of the country moving from 'so & so the coalition' to 'so & so the religion'. And whoever came up with it was either crazy, self-centred or out of their mind.

On the other hand, purposefully staying away, like my friend, from all things is no less pious. You don't do it to benefit others but for self-preservation and image-conscious reasons, (at least, to a certain extend, that is where he is coming from. He is related to somebody lah……) - 'We can't do that because it might not work.' 'I don't want to work on those assumptions because who knows what the newbies are like.'

We simply want a change; yes that’s the political buzzword. Well, what is ‘a change’ to ordinary folks like my friend and me? We have been a non-residents for more than two decades now. The garmen, with and without the changing of guards, is still the garmen. To put it plainly, is it like going to Starbucks and asking for a cup of black coffee (any other concoction is too alien for you), and charged $7.86. You can’t pay them $7.80, you need to pay them $7.90 and get 4 cents back. You don't have any immediate use for the 4 cents, ended up somewhere in your drawer to gather dust. And the next time you visit Starbucks, you forget to bring out your cents. In a way, no matter how hard you try, there is always something there and never to be rid off. To me, making people power clean is hard; making a country work is even harder. Following the general spirit is relatively easy but trying to make it move is difficult.

Quite simply, you need time to push the general population to a level that can fully comprehend the actions and reactions for each mode of change. We are going through some sort of transformation, not fully emerged as new but going through the metamorphosis. The complete cycle could be years from now, if we are lucky. If we are not, we will end up with some mutant form……..eeeeee. Be careful folks; let’s not get too enthusiastic lest we failed to see our weaknesses. My nephew once said, 'Power corrupts, absolutely power corrupts absolutely'. Need I say more?

I am not a political observer nor will I be one, I am a simple man living in a changing environment within a forever changing times. I can only say that Asian politics is tragically being standardised and being brought in line with Western politics. My advice, as if someone would care, is to set aside our current domestic troubles and squabbles and fight to keep Asian politics the way it is. We like it that way!!!!! Hoooooi! please change that song to an English one lah………..my turn to sing liao………..Play It Again Sam.

Rest in Peace, Grandpa

Grandpa, wherever you are, today is Qingming. We have, as we have over the years, swept your tomb and pay our respects. You left 34 years ago, and you would be 108 years old this year, had you lived. I can’t remember much about you during my first 14 years with you and, I guess you may sum up your life with 徐志摩’s poem “輕輕的我走了，正如我輕輕的來………”

Grandpa’s life is relatively simple and plain. He left his ancestral village in, 鹤山, at the turn of last century and never made it back again. I don’t know if this was the right thing to do, but at times we needed to face reality as well. The family was poor, trying to make ends meet, and I guess a trip back to the ancestral village was just another wishful thinking.

Grandpa adores durian……no..no, that’s an under-statement……he worships durian. I remember we once put a durian over his altar to pay homage to him! He wasn’t fussy, no matter if the durian is white or pure golden yellow, he ate them with sheer delights. He was like a vacuum cleaner, sucks any breed of durian and suck out to the seed. My goodness! I must say people like him made me wonder if I am the odd one out of the general mass. His staple diet during the season is none other than durian, of course. Speaking of which, his diet was rather unhealthy. He cooks the fattest pork (really oily version) and ate quite happily throughout his life. Yes, you are right, no vegetables, only meat. And if that’s not bad enough, he downs it with Kopi-O and the sweetest you can ever imagine. For as long as I can remember, I never ever saw him quenching his thirst with plain water. It was always Kopi-O, the vintage old faithful, plus a puff of the lowest grade tobacco.

Grandpa is also known as “The Dog Meat King”, and I believe one doesn’t need to stretch one’s imagination to arrive at a conclusion. By today’s standard, yes admittedly, this is kind of unacceptable. In those days, he was summoned by people to kill the dog for the meat, and at times, only occasionally, when his craving for the meat goes beyond his head, he would hunt! I can’t condone such acts if you ask me now, but I certainly was part of it as a child.

There are no words to describe how much we miss this old man. Although, we don’t get to spend a large portion of our lives with grandpa, we are happy with whatever bonds we have with him. He was a person that could brighten up any gloomy days at school, just by telling you some nonsense or reading the newspaper in Hakka. My fondest memories of my grandfather are seeing him enjoying the durian because that is what he did everyday during that season. I would have accompanied him back to the ancestral village, had he lived.

From his sneaky gambling habits, to his forever dirty room at the back of the house, to him wanting to quarrel with dad on money matters, everything he said and did will remain in my mind a good memory and profound fondness for the rest of my life.

Well……..rest in peace, grandpa.

Colgate

Some of you may ask, “what has Colgate, a toothpaste, got to do with Kopi Tiam?”. Now that is also a question I would like to ask, to a person none other than my elder brother. But before we get into the juicy part, we need to find out a little more about this person and his favourite breakfast meal. My brother’s favourite breakfast is the infamous NASI LEMAK plus a cup of teh tarik from a road-site mamak store. According to him, the dirtier and messier the place, the better would be the served beverage. You get his logic? I don't!

He wont settle for this. Too elaborate and unhealthy, according to him.

A nasi lemak is a plain old fashion nasi lemak for him, and yes, complete with an egg topping (but must not be half cooked!). Or, he could accept this

With a hard boiled egg.

And if it does come with a banana leaf wrapping, that will complete his requirements of a proper nasi lemak breakfast.

To this, I raise my cup and toast to my brother……….a teh tarik, yang kurang kurang manis. Come to think of it, however many times you may say “kurang”, the good old mamak will serve you the sweetest.

That's breakfast to all of us, and breakfast is normally usually a 2 hours session for my brother except for the times when he gets into complicated kopi talks………ends up coming back for lunch. Why? Quite simple, allow me to explain. My brother is clever (academically, I think), but when it comes to life’s little things, he is simply clueless. Whisper him a gossip, and if it within his memory, you are in luck. But if it turns out to be outside his memory bank, then you may need to spend hours telling him when and where his path does crossed with the subject. That, from experience, is a titanic struggle to most of us. And by most of us, I am referring to us, his fellow siblings.
You have to fair to him too…….nobody is flawless. I guess his flaws are a little bit in excess than most of us. Well……here is another flaw of his which, how should I put it, endearing to most of us. My brother has a gift of quoting proverbs…save for the rainy days…..we will cross the bridge when we come to it. He has been saying this for years, and I wonder what if rainy days don't come, or we never come to a bridge. To this, he will say, “ah! better to be safe than to be sorry”. I guess his wisdoms does makes sense, sometimes………only sometimes.

It is almost coming to 2pm now, my lunch hour is about to finish………I have a hypothesis that I would like to share, unless my brother comes out and tell us the truth. Colgate is actually my brother’s nickname! Why would anyone want to use this name as a nickname?? I have been thinking about this for many years, and I think I am coming near to finding the real answer. Colgate is actually “Cool Guy”. Say this aloud, with the thickest of our malaysian accent, you will end up with Colgate. Try it, I challenge you!!!!!

PS. My brother refused his consent to publish his photo, citing he will sue me if I did.......hmmmh I might consider taking up that challenge.........next week, that is.

And he is ........a natural born kopi tiam talker

Well......here he is, my father, in his usual gesture of a seasoned kopi tiam talker. I cannot think of a better person to represent the general mass of kopi tiam talker other than him.

This photo was taken when I took him to a cruise on the Yangtze River. Guess what, he was explaining the geological formation of the landscape to me. I am not no expert to comment on what took billions of years to evolve, but my dad is willing to give it a go........thru the eyes of kopi tiam theory and you have to give him credits for attempting to explain.

Carry on, dad...I am sure somewhere, somehow and sometime you will find some willing audience.