Happy Belated Birthday, Sam

There is a vile myth going around that anything small has its great value. Cameras are getting smaller by the day, computers are going lighter, mobile phone are so small that it is, and I am not joking, rumoured the latest generation of 3.55G is wafer thin and measures approximately 1.1005 nano metre. I am not sure if I am the only people who have this mentality but I think nano-scale technologies totally suck. Why are we paying more for something smaller and lower in material cost? I am not complaining I am merely being grumpy as I aged.

If things are made and manufactured in nano-scale, the accompanying manual is likely to be even smaller. The last time I read a manual for my bed-side alarm clock, it was like trying to ‘count’ the number of legs a millipede has (and I can assure you that no known millipedes have more than 400 legs). I gave up roughly 2 sentences below the welcome line. It is impossible to read at my age, no matter how hard I tried to focus.

Nano-scale technologies are probably a living nightmare to people of my generation. The generation of people who, may be forgiven, if they fervently abhor the word ‘old’ but, is old enough to experience presbyopia. I don’t recollect my father having problems reading when he was in his forties! Prints then were as big as a bullock-cart and nothing smaller was acceptable.

My worse ire is reserved for the publishers who notoriously print small fonts for the sake of saving one or two trees, or so they claimed! I would stretch the newspaper at arm’s length and still unable to read the smaller prints of my favorite advertisements. You know, the buy one get two followed by the subscript * gimmicks. What is printed under *, you will never get to find out unless you beg others to read for you. And then you naturally went into a total disappointment after learning you need to spend a fortune to qualify……. Or you may be seen behaving like a perfect jerk in the supermarket adjusting the product to enable enough reflection to read those small fonts. Chances then are, you will find longer words that are likely to be beyond your comprehension or you simply cannot pronounce them. In which case it would be immaterial whether you are able read or read but unable to understand them.

People suffering from presbyopia often experience similar symptoms. You can’t differentiate s, z or 2. The number 5, 6, or 8 looks the same no matter how hard you adjust it. As a frequent traveler, I have trouble filling embarkation form whenever I enter a country.
A I have to balance the little sheet of carbon paper on my passport and write with my pen which is likely to run out of ink without fail.
B You are likely to erroneously fill ‘date of birth’ and ‘country of birth’ wrongly.
C The space allocated is always narrower that the words you fill in (subconsciously you hand-writing gets bigger with the degree of presbyopia).
D You hand-writing looks as though you just ran the marathon.

Plus, when you are in the hotel, you can never ever read:
A The shampoo or the bath gel. I have learned from experience to rely on colour coding so that I won’t end up using shampoo as bath gel.
B The instructions on how to use the security safe.
C The master console to control the room’s utilities.

And finally, you will find yourself buying extra extra number of spectacles. You may start with one, and then slowly but surely multiply the numbers. And then, unknowingly one day you will realize you have one spectacle in your car, toilet, briefcase, living room, bedroom and a host of endless unimaginable places.

Happy Belated Birthday, Sam. I have a perfect birthday present for you this year. How about another pair of spectacle from the pasar pagi costing a mere 15 ringgit?

Kulai

I have often wondered how much a change in my life would be had I not stepped out of my little home town. Looking back, I was young and stupid (okay, as opposed to old and stupid now), eager to see what lies beyond the stretch of road after the police station. My world then, ends at the junction of the police station which is situated at the other end of the town. I remember myself as an incessant dreamer as would be the case of most teenagers of my generation (or, was I the only exception?) from the rural of the rural Malaysian hinterlands. To be fair to all my peers, our only hobby then was to idle on the branches of the tree and count the number of cars passing by. I am not sure if I am able to count the sheer number of cars passing by today on top of the same of tree. I say that because my eyesight is failing and I can no longer remember the counts after 100. But the worst of all, I am not so sure if I can ever climb that old tree. It certainly looks smaller with ailing branches that gives you an impression that it may snap even under the weight of two little eggs.

Whilst at home recently, I had the pleasure of renewing an old acquaintance. I asked him what his main pre-occupations were these days. He answered me in a matter of speech manner……counting cars and climbing trees. I looked at him dearly and desperately seeking for a word to continue the conversation. I couldn’t find the word. He said, “I am old now, I don’t have much obligations towards my grown children anymore”. “I climb trees because it is fruit seasons now, and since I ‘sapu’ the orchard, I need to make sure every single fruit is harvested”. “I count cars because my normal job is a caretaker for the second hand car dealer”. I felt a sense of relief descending down my throat, but not until I took a sip of the kopi when he asked what my present pre-occupations were. I am waiting for the arrival of SOMEONE, I said. He looked at me with the same glare and astonishment I had a minute ago but unlike me, he took a sip of the kopi before administering his soiled feet. He……..took a deep rub and then unassumingly sniffed in the very similar manner as if you were using a snuff bottle.

Folks don’t care about mannerism in small town. If you cared about life’s little habitual involuntary actions, then you are not in a small town. You don’t have to wear your Sunday’s best to enjoy your dim-sum or nasi lemak. A simple attire of a t-shirt and shorts with a pair of the old faithful slipper will do. You won’t be the odd one out, that much I am pretty certain. You don’t whisper when you are gossiping, you talk as loud as you can. That way you will invite potential mongers’ attention and make the topic juicier. I can’t be sure if that elite group includes my brother for he is always the last soul in town to digest the various intricacies of the commonest gossip. But I can be sure, if I am around, I would be the first person to chip-in with my finest kopitiam hypothesis. I can it the “finesse lingua and directus demonstrandum” hypothesis in between mouthful of kopi and dunks. Loosely translated it is something like, “can’t say you are right but I know the answer” or something of that order. Then again, and I am beginning to regret this now, the hypothesis wouldn’t be as convincing as it claims unless it is accompanied with a loud and prolonged fart. Subconsciously I have forgotten the involuntary action, having been away from the small town for a dang long time.

I can’t describe the mixed feeling of quaintness and tranquility whenever I step foot onto my little hometown. No matter how much the world may change, for better or worse, this hometown of mine is forever there. The people, their culture (okay, our culture) and the ever busy kopitiam bustles are still, I am glad to add, our way of life. I have come a long way since the day I was introduced to Federal Readers' craps on "Here is Osman. He lives in this house. This is his house".

The passage of time may have given me the various opportunities but you simply cannot find the people and the place that amply describes you. You are always a stranger in a forever strangers' land except for that small place you called 'home'.

Thou Shall Wait

Wherever I go these days, I can't help but to think of the many hours being wasted waiting. I never fully understood why we have to wait, sometimes through the hours of agony and sometimes through the physical tortures……. In recent weeks, we in Hong Kong, witnessed a few fine examples of waits, we have the maids waiting in the queue to renew the contract and to save their livelihood at a mere $400 levy charge. The government of Hong Kong made a blunder by announcing the lifting of the levy and in doing so caused havoc among the people and the maids. Then we had this massive queue for anything related to the Olympics…….ranging from new prints to first day covers. I am beginning to think if we ever have an Olympics event on queuing; Hong Kong will probably win the gold medal.

To wait is the most boring thing to do, I don’t mind wasting my time being a couch potato but to sit down under the hot sun is ……..an absolute NO…..period. Can you imagine a family, three tiers, all waiting under a tiny umbrella, doing the usual waiting, talking, and some even cooking! When they could have made better use of the time wasted with their usual waiting, talking and even some cooking at home. But then again, it is either people love to queue or afraid of being losing out. Imagine the fuss about inflation and artificially inflated market price these days, but people will not have a second thought about queuing and buying stuff which is of no immediate use to them. I wonder……..I really wonder why people can behave in this manner.

Well I can only say ‘WAITING’ spares no one. Yes, not you, not me. We are all the subject of ‘WAIT’. I waited endlessly at the airport lounges in my normal routine of flying around little cities like Phnom Penh, Saigon, Bangkok and the likes. I see people breezing past me, some at the speed of lightning (usually associated with couples with baggage of three teenage aged offspring); some at the usual snail speed (usually associated with couples who are on their first dates); and the rest fellow travelers, like us, who would sit spread eagle, doing nothing but scornfully sneering at each other to get past the long WAIT.

Just when you thought the whole idea of WAIT is almost over, you are then faced with another grander surprise that a passenger or a group of passengers have gone missing…… “tok, tok …..Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. On behalf of Cathay Pacific, I would like to apologise for the delay. We should be taxiing out in a few minutes as we are still waiting for the last few passengers. So, if I may ask you to sit back and relax; and I should come back just before we descend” When he actually meant, “ladies and gentlemen, this is me speaking and I have been through this a zillion times by now. It is the freaking delays by the airport controllers and the damn securities that caused all these. Not forgetting the group of passengers who has gone missing and we are sending our SAS troopers to track them down. I hope they come back with hand-cuffed for causing this delay!”

And so, while the rest of the world is passing me, I am still here waiting…….yes, waiting for the arrival of SOMEONE.

Tales from a Fortified City

I heard the Chinese government is gearing up all ‘necessary’ measures to make the Olympic Game a truly sporting event. Roughly, these translate to around 5 top security checkpoints, including one for entering the toilet! The so-called ‘necessary’ measures meant having a surface-to-air missiles regiment outside the birdnest to a person watching over your shoulder while you take a pee! I am not so sure if their intelligence unit had taken this as an ‘over-the-top’ priority but in war times, this would be the mobilization of full military defence line. But then again, this is China; a country that will surprise you at any time! So, beware. If you go there now, security people will check your ID once per hundred yard and you have no choice but to oblige smilingly.


The cost for all these security measure is approximately RMB 50 billion and if have no idea what a billion is like, please read my earlier blog. That bill is for the manning of around 110,000 top notch professional military and uniform personnel (all just about 6 ft tall, not an inch shorter or taller). Even in Hong Kong, some 2500 km away from the capital, we are deploying 4000 police to man the security. Needless to say, the HK police personnel comes in all odd shapes and sizes………..hey, we need the more able bodies to do the top-top security like protecting the Chief Executive!

And you know we are hosting the Equestrian event……..I am sorry but of all Olympic sports, this is just about the only one that I failed to appreciate and understand. What is dressage, eventing and jumping? Hey, mind you this is also the only sport in the Olympic that an animal is allowed……….it hadn’t cross your mind leh!!!!! I really pitied those damn horses for jumping and galloping in a weather that hardly dips below 33 C in the summer. Our own horses, those under the infamous Hong Kong Jockey Club, are taking the summer break because of the severe summer heat. I am beginning to wonder how many horses will die of heat stroke. In the first place how on earth did Beijing agree to Hong Kong bid to host the equestrian??? We begged just like our forefathers did by kowtowing to the emperor in the mandarin court? Or we think we know more about horses because we betted heavily and bet that Beijing will agree to our request? Whichever way, I am dead certain we have top top security as directed from Beijing. I know because I drove past an empty usually busy road this evening. In front of me is a beeline of police personnel, behind me is also a great-wall of trucks and coaches…….they even closed the river!! Erm, they probably read Datuk Lat’s hypothetical theory on how the Japanese Red Army hijacked the AIA building back in the 70s……hehehehe.

Since the game is in China, we can suggest some introductory games to the rest of the world. I can think of:

a. mahjong - under Taiwanese, Hong Kong and Cantonese rules

b. long marching - walking backwards

c. chinese kung fu - Panda

d. squatting - by the kerb side

e. spitting - ends with a 'tong'

f. cigarette smoking - 20 sticks per minute is the current world record

g. peeling and eating chicken feet.

Seriously, the heat is on Beijing to save the faces of 1.5 billion Chinese in this world. Everywhere I go, I see people claiming to be Chinese, half Chinese or even a fraction of a Chinese. Quite happily, people just wanted to be Chinese today unlike 20 odd years ago, we were labeled a Chinky and a facial expression of slid eyes like Fu Manchu. You now have a city under a thick layer of smog with the municipal government taking all measures to have a green Olympic. All factories are shut down or relocated. Cars in the city are allowed entry with even and odd numbers through the week. The migrant workers are ushered, no shoo, out of the city while the rest of the city’s construction is going full swing! When you are in Beijing, you are greeted with a new terminal, new newer buildings each taller than the other, three new metro lines and a host of environmental friendly public transportation. They banned practically everything except for Peking duck I am glad to add.

At the expense of everybody, they created an Olympic, their world their dream. My question is, although I played a minor role in the developments,…………is all these worth the penny? If you ask me if I have any regrets in life, I am most probable to say yes. Yes, being the fact that I turned down a free opening ceremony ticket. Today, it is rumoured to reach a tout value of $250,000 per ticket in the black market. What to do, I also happened to think pigs can fly too!

Erm, that’s not quite right, guys

We often make the mistake of saying that another believes something; all we can do is say that another claim to believe, as there are often very many reasons to express a belief that is different from what one believes, and, I think, politics being most often the case. I do believe, as would many a political observers is likely to start, we are into another political faux pas which I find rather interesting and revolting. But I am not a political observer and hence I am more likely rather use, what my kopitiam kakis usually utter, “how leh?? What happen? What’s next in this political conundrum?”

There are many reasons why you may wish to dig and delve deep into stories that made headlines these days. The one and most common reason being we are too nosy and curious to find the answer that probably answers all the questions of the past, present and future. Interestingly whichever way you may choose, you are most likely to end up with another story. Hmmmmm…that’s being part of bolehland lah.

We now have a doctor who has gone into hiding along with his family. I remember not so long ago, we also have a private investigator who surfaced, to tell the truth and nothing but the truth and then…………came back within 24 hours to retract the statement. He, naturally, went missing after that. Just when we are trying out best to track down this PI with GPS, we are confronted with another bloke who allegedly diagnosed professionally (…so chivalrous of him, clap clap clap ….but who hasn't had the time to re-diagnosed again), also playing the Houdini act. Pretty amusing, isn’t it? I remember only kids play the hide-and-seek, but now even adults took a special interest in the game and played rather differently, like in a incognito manner? Much like our friend Radovan Karadzic who play the game so well and lasted 12 years.

I don't know about you, but I am totally dumbfounded by the claims, counter claims and the many countered counter claims that defeat the simplest simple logic. I call it the first principle of defying a simple logic. Yup, I now learned, unwilling, to accept that DNA does have an expiry date and hence defying all theories related to the evolution and annihilation of dinosaurs. And you know what, our great VIPs concurred that 10 years is just about the maximum period for any samples of DNA to be accurate. Wait a minute, Jurassic Park is therefore a Hollywood hoax without scientific backings……emmmmmhhhhh listen to the leaders lah. Then we also have our very own police who, and very seldom, acted enthusiastically until recently. Without any proof, they refuted the legitimacy of the so-called medical report. Wah…they deduced that it is not genuine and must be stopped at once without a reason. I must say, have it entirely slipped their minds that the most popular pastimes of the majority of us today is to read newspapers, digest them and make up kopitiam assumptions. Unless, they are adamant in using the infamous unshakeable logic found only within the First Principle of Defying Simple Logic.

I am going to have my DNA analyse tomorrow, I need some substance to defy the First Principle of Defying Simple Logic, to say the least. You coming along, Albert?

Who needs Sanity

As the country plunges into its fifty-one year of independence, it is becoming pretty scarily obvious that lot of our fellow citizens are not prepared to cope with the present bundle of predicaments / excitements. In a spate of few months, relatively short compared to fifty years of historical events, we have witnessed all the dirt and filth of politicking. In other words, what I am really trying to say is you need someone to bulldoze the old horizon and re-shape a new. You don't have to be clever you just need to avoid being stupid and say the right thing at the right instance. You don't have to lead, the people will follow you so long as you plenty of dettol to cleanse your hands, feet and body to project a Mr. Clean. But you do need to be weary of what you do behind the public radar. Don't forget the public is a kaleidoscope of strange sights and impressions. You may have a brain about the size of a pea but that is perfectly alright.

Like many unassuming innocent kopitiam folks, I have watched, digested and sautéed the country’s yoyo political scenes with butter /oil over the past few months. But unlike the rest of you, being a totally self-obsessed egotist and total brute, I tacitly knew the answer to all this. And I am going to share this with your folks in line with the tradition of kopitiam lies and bullshits. And, why not? After all, with all these happenings and heaps of craps, who is to say who is right or wrong! I believe the country is either moving onto the menopause years, or the nation is being manipulated by handful of saboteurs. Surely the former has to be the answer else where on this planet can you read, heard and gossiped of all things about sedition, sodomy, statutory declarations, judiciary mockery et cetera lumped under one parcel? You know the hormones changes make the body go haywire, and so does a country……it makes sense….hahahaha.

You have a perennial sleeper named ‘diu’, who keeps sleeping through the changes. You then have a senile old dog by the name of ‘la’, which keeps barking at the wrong tree or any other trees, and is being isolated from the rest of the community. Stray dogs are dangerous stuff and should be avoided at all cost! You can’t have them peeing at your knees thinking the legs are lamp-post (poor eye-sight mah). You also have a fella, named ‘ma’, who thinks of himself as the hybrid of Rambo and Terminator: - Ramminator. Yup, Ramminator have a secret crush on ramming and jamming about with a detonator. Put these three entities together, you have the ultimate combo of ‘diu-la-ma’………jee! That’s disgusting!

Oh! Almost forgotten a rising star, or ex-rising star to be precise, named ‘ass’ that is often caught/accused of entering the wrong hole. Not a noble thing to brag about even if you done it once, worse if you have it twice under your belt. We then have another chubby over scale version of davidy Copperfield, name ‘luck’ who is fond and capable of doing the ultimate magical act of self-vaporisation…….aye, beam me up Scottie! Sure, ‘ass-luck’ will do.

With so much uncertainties loaming in the air, aren’t we blessed with that itsy bitsy tinnie winnie window of breather? To say the least, with the present hardships brought about by neglect, incompetence, indifference and ignorance, among other shortcomings, we could certainly use this self-styled Bollywood-cum-Hollywood backstabbing soap opera to rub a few ribs of laughter. But whatever it is, there is one thing that you can be sure of! You will be entertained and kept entertained for a good lengthy period. By which time, I am sure most of us will wake up and say…….. Get us the local Oliver stones and rewrite the damn script to “nothing is controversial but thought provoking”. Or, we can always engage a Woody Allen look-alike to rewrite the script to “everything you want to know but are afraid to ask”. That will give us the ultimate truth, although still a lie but at least a logical one.

It’s funny how the political parties are trying to separate the game rules, but not from politics and campaigning. Every 4 to 5 years you see the politicians trying to convince us that they are “like us” when they visit villages, supermarkets, post offices, etc but on any other day these millionaire snobs wouldn’t be caught in these locations. You would think the wolf would tire of throwing on the sheeps clothing. You would think the sheep would learn to be able to recognize a wolf in sheep clothing. . . Maybe they are indeed the sane people in this land of the insane.

SO-DO-MY FOOT

Like any ordinary folks, inside and outside the country, I have watched the recent events in our political arena bouncing up and down over the past few months. Things must have reached the boiling speculation point at every coffee shops and mamak stores in the country. I guess no talks will be without the saucy juices of “sotong me” and “mince meat” recipes. I can imagine if you asked for a sotong mee, you will inevitably end up talking the slimy tales of who has entered illegally. And if you order spaghetti bolognaise…….you know you are likely to start talking about the various extra-ordinary ways of making mince meat. I can think of plenty other foods but I am sure you get my point.

Seriously, while we may see the political events advancing to newer heights, further unnatural corrections remained a real threat, as does the possibility of the many unnamed souls trapped in this narrow line of political uncertainties. Today you may be advancing your political status, tomorrow you may fall down into the wilderness. But the worst position you may not wished to enter is being squashed in the narrow line of uncertainties. In other words, what I really intend to say is, “it has nothing to do with you or me unless you are a politician”. Bystanders like us can only rely on a few sources for information, and the rest is a complete fabrication of our own imagination. And why not? I am sure somewhere in the country is a factory churning out fabricated lies, bio-physical evidences and even clones with peanut brains micro-chipped to behave like forensic specialists. I guess we all remember the sudden emergence of “smoking guns” chemist who took the expert opinion stand long time ago. And the clone went into oblivion after that……..strange is it not?

Ten years ago, someone accused you of favouring “sotong mee”, which was subsequently overturned five years ago. Ten years on, the same league of another someone accused you of your perennial savouring of that “sotong mee”. Your taste bud never changed despite the years in solitary?? C’mon baby light my fire!!!!! I can’t imagine an older person not caring for his ailing health by pumping in more cholesterol from that slimy sotong? Unless somebody is stupid enough to cook the same trick on you plate in the luxury comfort of your own love nest. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new trick? Sorry, same trick!! Lightning strikes you twice……..when you are least prepared!

careful doggy, wrong end!!!!

Ya baby! light my fire!!!!!

I read somewhere an article written by someone some time ago, that plague / pestilence / curse come once every ten years. What’s next? I haven’t the faintest clue. Coincidence? Karma? …….hmmmmhh we shall wait with grave patience until the entire drama unfolds. Meanwhile I have these little advices for the older folks even though I haven’t the foggiest idea what is going on, “do not employ any young assistants but if you do, you must not let them take your soiled linen away” and “do not go to the general hospital if you have constipation because they are likely to diagnose you wrongly".

buttocks or bust: it depends on which way you are looking