Erm, that’s not quite right, guys

We often make the mistake of saying that another believes something; all we can do is say that another claim to believe, as there are often very many reasons to express a belief that is different from what one believes, and, I think, politics being most often the case. I do believe, as would many a political observers is likely to start, we are into another political faux pas which I find rather interesting and revolting. But I am not a political observer and hence I am more likely rather use, what my kopitiam kakis usually utter, “how leh?? What happen? What’s next in this political conundrum?”

There are many reasons why you may wish to dig and delve deep into stories that made headlines these days. The one and most common reason being we are too nosy and curious to find the answer that probably answers all the questions of the past, present and future. Interestingly whichever way you may choose, you are most likely to end up with another story. Hmmmmm…that’s being part of bolehland lah.

We now have a doctor who has gone into hiding along with his family. I remember not so long ago, we also have a private investigator who surfaced, to tell the truth and nothing but the truth and then…………came back within 24 hours to retract the statement. He, naturally, went missing after that. Just when we are trying out best to track down this PI with GPS, we are confronted with another bloke who allegedly diagnosed professionally (…so chivalrous of him, clap clap clap ….but who hasn't had the time to re-diagnosed again), also playing the Houdini act. Pretty amusing, isn’t it? I remember only kids play the hide-and-seek, but now even adults took a special interest in the game and played rather differently, like in a incognito manner? Much like our friend Radovan Karadzic who play the game so well and lasted 12 years.

I don't know about you, but I am totally dumbfounded by the claims, counter claims and the many countered counter claims that defeat the simplest simple logic. I call it the first principle of defying a simple logic. Yup, I now learned, unwilling, to accept that DNA does have an expiry date and hence defying all theories related to the evolution and annihilation of dinosaurs. And you know what, our great VIPs concurred that 10 years is just about the maximum period for any samples of DNA to be accurate. Wait a minute, Jurassic Park is therefore a Hollywood hoax without scientific backings……emmmmmhhhhh listen to the leaders lah. Then we also have our very own police who, and very seldom, acted enthusiastically until recently. Without any proof, they refuted the legitimacy of the so-called medical report. Wah…they deduced that it is not genuine and must be stopped at once without a reason. I must say, have it entirely slipped their minds that the most popular pastimes of the majority of us today is to read newspapers, digest them and make up kopitiam assumptions. Unless, they are adamant in using the infamous unshakeable logic found only within the First Principle of Defying Simple Logic.

I am going to have my DNA analyse tomorrow, I need some substance to defy the First Principle of Defying Simple Logic, to say the least. You coming along, Albert?

Who needs Sanity

As the country plunges into its fifty-one year of independence, it is becoming pretty scarily obvious that lot of our fellow citizens are not prepared to cope with the present bundle of predicaments / excitements. In a spate of few months, relatively short compared to fifty years of historical events, we have witnessed all the dirt and filth of politicking. In other words, what I am really trying to say is you need someone to bulldoze the old horizon and re-shape a new. You don't have to be clever you just need to avoid being stupid and say the right thing at the right instance. You don't have to lead, the people will follow you so long as you plenty of dettol to cleanse your hands, feet and body to project a Mr. Clean. But you do need to be weary of what you do behind the public radar. Don't forget the public is a kaleidoscope of strange sights and impressions. You may have a brain about the size of a pea but that is perfectly alright.

Like many unassuming innocent kopitiam folks, I have watched, digested and sautéed the country’s yoyo political scenes with butter /oil over the past few months. But unlike the rest of you, being a totally self-obsessed egotist and total brute, I tacitly knew the answer to all this. And I am going to share this with your folks in line with the tradition of kopitiam lies and bullshits. And, why not? After all, with all these happenings and heaps of craps, who is to say who is right or wrong! I believe the country is either moving onto the menopause years, or the nation is being manipulated by handful of saboteurs. Surely the former has to be the answer else where on this planet can you read, heard and gossiped of all things about sedition, sodomy, statutory declarations, judiciary mockery et cetera lumped under one parcel? You know the hormones changes make the body go haywire, and so does a country……it makes sense….hahahaha.

You have a perennial sleeper named ‘diu’, who keeps sleeping through the changes. You then have a senile old dog by the name of ‘la’, which keeps barking at the wrong tree or any other trees, and is being isolated from the rest of the community. Stray dogs are dangerous stuff and should be avoided at all cost! You can’t have them peeing at your knees thinking the legs are lamp-post (poor eye-sight mah). You also have a fella, named ‘ma’, who thinks of himself as the hybrid of Rambo and Terminator: - Ramminator. Yup, Ramminator have a secret crush on ramming and jamming about with a detonator. Put these three entities together, you have the ultimate combo of ‘diu-la-ma’………jee! That’s disgusting!

Oh! Almost forgotten a rising star, or ex-rising star to be precise, named ‘ass’ that is often caught/accused of entering the wrong hole. Not a noble thing to brag about even if you done it once, worse if you have it twice under your belt. We then have another chubby over scale version of davidy Copperfield, name ‘luck’ who is fond and capable of doing the ultimate magical act of self-vaporisation…….aye, beam me up Scottie! Sure, ‘ass-luck’ will do.

With so much uncertainties loaming in the air, aren’t we blessed with that itsy bitsy tinnie winnie window of breather? To say the least, with the present hardships brought about by neglect, incompetence, indifference and ignorance, among other shortcomings, we could certainly use this self-styled Bollywood-cum-Hollywood backstabbing soap opera to rub a few ribs of laughter. But whatever it is, there is one thing that you can be sure of! You will be entertained and kept entertained for a good lengthy period. By which time, I am sure most of us will wake up and say…….. Get us the local Oliver stones and rewrite the damn script to “nothing is controversial but thought provoking”. Or, we can always engage a Woody Allen look-alike to rewrite the script to “everything you want to know but are afraid to ask”. That will give us the ultimate truth, although still a lie but at least a logical one.

It’s funny how the political parties are trying to separate the game rules, but not from politics and campaigning. Every 4 to 5 years you see the politicians trying to convince us that they are “like us” when they visit villages, supermarkets, post offices, etc but on any other day these millionaire snobs wouldn’t be caught in these locations. You would think the wolf would tire of throwing on the sheeps clothing. You would think the sheep would learn to be able to recognize a wolf in sheep clothing. . . Maybe they are indeed the sane people in this land of the insane.

SO-DO-MY FOOT

Like any ordinary folks, inside and outside the country, I have watched the recent events in our political arena bouncing up and down over the past few months. Things must have reached the boiling speculation point at every coffee shops and mamak stores in the country. I guess no talks will be without the saucy juices of “sotong me” and “mince meat” recipes. I can imagine if you asked for a sotong mee, you will inevitably end up talking the slimy tales of who has entered illegally. And if you order spaghetti bolognaise…….you know you are likely to start talking about the various extra-ordinary ways of making mince meat. I can think of plenty other foods but I am sure you get my point.

Seriously, while we may see the political events advancing to newer heights, further unnatural corrections remained a real threat, as does the possibility of the many unnamed souls trapped in this narrow line of political uncertainties. Today you may be advancing your political status, tomorrow you may fall down into the wilderness. But the worst position you may not wished to enter is being squashed in the narrow line of uncertainties. In other words, what I really intend to say is, “it has nothing to do with you or me unless you are a politician”. Bystanders like us can only rely on a few sources for information, and the rest is a complete fabrication of our own imagination. And why not? I am sure somewhere in the country is a factory churning out fabricated lies, bio-physical evidences and even clones with peanut brains micro-chipped to behave like forensic specialists. I guess we all remember the sudden emergence of “smoking guns” chemist who took the expert opinion stand long time ago. And the clone went into oblivion after that……..strange is it not?

Ten years ago, someone accused you of favouring “sotong mee”, which was subsequently overturned five years ago. Ten years on, the same league of another someone accused you of your perennial savouring of that “sotong mee”. Your taste bud never changed despite the years in solitary?? C’mon baby light my fire!!!!! I can’t imagine an older person not caring for his ailing health by pumping in more cholesterol from that slimy sotong? Unless somebody is stupid enough to cook the same trick on you plate in the luxury comfort of your own love nest. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new trick? Sorry, same trick!! Lightning strikes you twice……..when you are least prepared!

careful doggy, wrong end!!!!

Ya baby! light my fire!!!!!

I read somewhere an article written by someone some time ago, that plague / pestilence / curse come once every ten years. What’s next? I haven’t the faintest clue. Coincidence? Karma? …….hmmmmhh we shall wait with grave patience until the entire drama unfolds. Meanwhile I have these little advices for the older folks even though I haven’t the foggiest idea what is going on, “do not employ any young assistants but if you do, you must not let them take your soiled linen away” and “do not go to the general hospital if you have constipation because they are likely to diagnose you wrongly".

buttocks or bust: it depends on which way you are looking

One Little Two Little Three Little Indians

You may have read the recent news report that Vietnam’s economy is heading for a downturn whilst India’s is still going hot! I don’t mean curry, I meant their economy. This worries me. I think the root of it is really to do curry and the likelihood to blow gas after a heart-felt consumption. Dangerous stuff, may I add.

I was in mystical land, India, over the weekend on a business trip although pleasure is also on the agenda. At least, that was what I thought. I was unaware of the customs and the way to respond in a strange land of Indians. In my mind, there are only two types of Indian. One is the Semi-Value version where you habitually change your toupee: synthetic fiber or real (those that get washed by Ganges River). The other version bollywood, Siao-Veli, version where you habitually show-off with mobs of hair (really envious of these people): dancing and singing all the time for no apparent reason.

Wherever I go, I find 50% of them don’t speak a word of English, 30% knew some but is unable to make up a sentence, and the 20% who knew ended up speaking with their head shaking in synchrony to each syllable they pronounced. I feel sick looking at the head shifting left to right; back and forth……..you get that feeling? I don’t understand why after some 100 years or so of British rule, Indian still cannot speak Inglish. I tried figuring this out in the taxi, in their tutu but definitely not on the bus, and almost came out with an answer. But as soon as I came close to fitting the gaps between the riddles, I got intoxicated with someone’s natural exhaust! Yes, the beans they really can generate gases of all kind. I am also glad to concur that natural fart out of vegetarian diets don’t smell. Hahahahhahahahaha….. So the next time you go to India, you don’t have to wear mask or cover your nose upon hearing some strange noises oozing out from within the sarees or Salwars.

Indians are also notoriously slow in whatever they do. Simple chores will take them eternity, be it alighting from a car or a plane. In my two days there, I must have witnessed my nails growing while waiting for the person in front of me making an order. I find it very strange, and rather amusing that people in this sub-continent love doing this in a slow motion. You see a Bollywood movie, everybody is dancing and moving contrastingly fast……..or could it be they fast forward the reel of films?? I am not surprised considering Bollywood produces something like 300 movies per day. If they can make so many movies in a day, they can most certainly do the fast forward at the blink of an eye. Trust me, I am saying this with great confidence for I am sure I saw an extra doze off in one corner while those ‘fast forward dancing main characters’ were dancing, smiling and singing all in one shot! Yes, I admit I was watching TV in my hotel and watching Bollywood to the fullest.

Indian cars, like their drivers, are slow and small. So small that it makes you wonder how a big Indian can fit into it comfortably. And they love cramming into their car in a number more than it was manufactured to take. Can you imagine in those baking hot summer, someone did something really cheeky…….like releasing a long fart? Ironically, most Indian cars come without air-condition even with the technological feat they are able to boast! My guess is they have a reason for what they do, all those beans diet makes them fart perpetually and one just needs to keep the ventilation in a proper order.

That's when you fart too much and everybody needs a fresh breather

I am also equally bemused the degree of conservatism the Indian society can be, even in this 21st century. I went to the spa with my colleague, and after spending 15 minutes we finally arrived at a choice of massage. It was termed four hands massage, with a reasonable charge over a reasonable duration. Both of us asked the lady what actually constitutes a four hand massage. She gave us a plain simple answer of ……..two masseurs. Wow! One doing the head and the other doing the body……in my dreams! And we waited, and waited until some 30 minutes later a man turned up in front of us. My natural instincts told me that this is the very person who, accompanied by an even bigger fella, is going to massage me! So I asked hoping for a negative answer. I was disappointed that my instincts were true, and shocked by the fact that any ably bodied person (man in particular) may subdue himself to another bloke. I stood up, said ‘sorry’ and headed for the door without bothering to look back at cluster of surprise faces!

That's part consequences of riding over-crowded cars or too much curries

This, incidentally, brought my memory back to my school years of memorizing famous quotation from famous person. Since I am in India, I guess good old Mahatma Gandhi’s quotes amply described my trip to India. Here it is for all of you, “Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny”.

Mr. Gandhi, with all due respects, my belief is that I thought India is a modern society, whatever I said only 20% of your people can understand and I don’t feel sick all the time. If you think puking is my habits then you are wrong because I don’t value my pukes. Perhaps it is my destiny to visit India now but I still think I came 100 years too early!

加價熱潮

Read today's newspaper on the hike of prices for various utilities. I have nothing to say except to share this song from Sam Hui.

你怕！我怕！個個怕！
煙加！酒加！屋租加！
巴士加！的士加！多士芝士乜都加！
加！加！加！加！加！
糖又加！鹽又加！
成日咁加任佢話！其實無他！
你住人屋宇下，佢梗收買路錢挪兩渣，
買佢怕！買佢怕！要加就加！總之慣啦！

牛油又加！蠔油又加！
燃油又話每「卡」七個六，其實無他，
佢石油多到極，可惜真金白銀貶晒值，
冇法啦！冇法啦！佢加就加！都由佢啦！

紅荳沙！茶葉渣！
全部要加慘到極，陀累全家，
靠份糧點夠食，卒之查到鼓油都冇滴，
夠啦卦！夠啦卦！咪枕住加，喂！好啦卦！

時時話加！年年話加！
無盡咁加趕到絕，求助哪吒，
我望能生對翼，即刻飛上月球再搵過食，
就冇有怕！冇有怕！佢加就加！拜拜啦！
（加加加......）　（怕怕怕......）

人人話加！頻頻話加！
成日咁加任佢話，其實無他，
我做人多說話，係Ｄ加價熱潮風氣下，
八下卦！八下卦！發起爛渣，谷鬼氣嘛！

or you may click on to this link for the song

http://youtube.com/watch?v=RdX43wWkC_0

Pay more now!!!!!!

Best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam

To be, or not to be kiasu: that is the question. You will know you are a kiasu being when you are kiasu about being kiasu. There you go, sums up the current sentiment of our neighbour south of the border in one sentence. Our wise politicians have, finally, realized that billions of ringgit is wasted in subsidizing our neighbours and quite rightfully come to their senses on the banning of such privileges.

Kiasuland, however, thought otherwise and has, since the birth of Christ, been having trouble with their logics. They claimed to have spent at least 6 to 7 times the cost of petrol during any of the trips across the border. As if to say they will no longer visit our country in future? If the answer is affirmative, I will be laughing with joy because I can then estimate the time needed to reach Changi Airport without the hiccup of being caught in traffic congestion. If the answer is negative, I don't know what to say about people with peanut brains. The only consolation I can offer is that the kiasu mentality is essential to make use of everything given, not losing out to any and finally to optimize at your own comfort zone. More than that, they now need to fight tooth and nail outside their usual comfort zone!

In my many years there, I have learned a thing or two about the people’s mentality. Such an attitude is often highly competitive, and its emphasis is to be above all other people, even if it means putting others. But to be kiasu is not only to be competitive. Kiasu people are driven out of fear of losing probably more than the desire to succeed. But they will not admit to this fact out of kiasuness.

Here is the A to Z of kiasu

Always a must to win
Borrow and never return
Cheap is nice and good
Don’t trust anybody, not even your family
Everything is up for grab and must grab
Free is always the best
Grab anything at the first instance and talk later
Help yourself to everything
I first, I want, I for everything
Jump queue is a norm
Keeps coming back for more
Look for discount
Must not lose face
Never mind what they think
Outdo everyone you know
Pay only when necessary
Quit while you are ahead
Rushing and pushing wins the race
Samples are always welcome
Take but never ever give
Unless it’s free forget it
Vow to be number one
Winner takes it All
XXXX must be under government instruction
Yell if necessary to get what you want
Zebras are kiasu because they want to be both black and white at the same time

It is also this kiasu attitude that led to the development of Singlish which I thought is simply the weirdest and the mother of all inventions, and I don't like it at all. They think of this language as highly innovative and affectionately labelled themselves with Singlish. I thought this is the final insult to the colonial government of the past. It is not difficult to distinguish the only Singaporean within a sea of a thousand faces. All you need is to listen to probably one syllable and you will automatically point the thorn amongst the roses.

Usual words by citizen of kiasuland

Ah then - Go World Trade Centre can take 61 meh? Ah Kow: Ah then? Of cos lar!
All Over the Shop - Hey Ah Beng, I want to buy some Maggie Mee but cannot find, leh? How you arrange things, one? Your things lay-long all over the shop!
Arrow - Wow lau! My boss "arrow" me to do this job. I very pek chek lah!! "You sabo king! Just because I never come for meeting you arrow me to do this leport!"
Bakchew tah sai - She so happening! He like tek ko she really bakchew tah sai!
Blur like Sotong - you blur like sotong, how come ?
Borrow Me - Ah-Beng: Eh, my Brylcream donno go where. Can you borrow me your hairgel?
Buey tah han – Wah lao eh, this exam I really buey tah han it ah. Soo meny questions i dunno.
Cham siong- Why like dat, can cham siong or not?
Chiminology- Ooi! Wat you say I dun understand lah, stop using those chiminology can or not!
Dom Pang - My buy-si-cal broke down today, can dom pang your kar to werk today or not.
Ga Na THRASH - That team is too good for your team, you all GA NA Thrash!
Heng- Wah lau eh, you still wear friendship bands ah? They now buey heng liao lah.
Hao lian- mai hao lian lah!
Jia Lat - jia-lat man! Exam this time sure fail one.
Jheelo - One hunnert, you idiert!!! One-jheelo-jheelo!
Ohso - Can you drop me home. "Ohso can" How about go to Yaohan? "Ohso can" Take me out for dinner? "Ohso can"

I guess I have said enough of our neighbours from the south.

• The sad part of why I think the banning of fuel for foreign cars has no impact on them is that they still are confused over words like condoms and condos.
• An even sadder part is that 50% of the population in kiasuland is permanent residency of Malaysian origin. Most scholars from that place are in fact Malaysian living there.
• But the saddest part of all is this, “Last month, Umno Johor said that the greatest mistake they made was in giving the non-Malay immigrants citizenship in August 1957. Now that they have been given citizenship they show their ingratitude by voting for the opposition. Yes, non-Malays, even those born in Malaysia, are immigrants. And, being immigrants, they must vote Barisan Nasional. And if they do not vote for Barisan Nasional then they are ungrateful.”

Damn tu-lan reading this, I tell you!

Now we know why so many of us simply walk over and embrace kiasuness. In a way, it is weird, saying something bad about these people is like saying in front of the mirror. It reflects on us, the very same people only in a different land. Chim leh, my fri-end………..

Holy Smoke!

Pau-wau

or

Pow-wow?

You may have read the recent Star news report that a certain group is calling for a Pow-wow over a weekend. They call it Pow-wow instead of a ‘retreat for the purpose of retreat’ or ‘party gun slinging finger pointing jamboree’ or even ‘withdrawal’. This worries me. I think pow-wow is weird, dangerous stuff with the head-dos that involves killing more birds for feathers. It is true that our newspaper’s editor grasp of English vocabulary has fallen sharply as do politician finding the right word for the right occasion? Or, it is just because our flag looks more USA from a distance? I wouldn’t care if some parties ended up losing their hair but I sincerely hope it doesn't involved killing the birds for feathers !!!!

The weird thing was that the organiser, as well as the newspaper, thought this so called Pow-wow is introduced as if it was dramatically different. Yeah…..without the Red Indians but lots of cowboys, I might agree it may be dramatically different! At this stage, I can begin to think of a thousand names to replace Pow-wow if the names don't bear any resemblance to the meeting. I can call it:

a) The Last Tango
b) The Long March
c) The Titanic
d) The Slightly Longer March
e) The Last Supper

I mean, what’s the deal with this? What is the urgency? Afterall, it took them a few good months to agree on the disagreements, weeks to avoid the real issues and days to remind themselves something went really really wrong. Can you imagine the sort of progress? I can’t but I can imagine the mud-slinging, rabbit punches, backstabbing and kick punches. Whoever is going to survive will have a face no better than this!

I am also not sure if anyone of them ever read Sun-Tzu and the art of war. In case they hadn’t, I urge them to read it now. Or have I missed something??? They could have read it, and start practising it by now. The Pow-Wow is perhaps one of the 36 stratagems, I can think of:

a. Startle the snake by hitting the grass around it
Do something unaimed, but spectacular ("hitting the grass") to provoke a response of the enemy ("startle the snake"), thereby giving away his plans or position, or just taunt him. Do something unusual, strange, and unexpected as this will arouse the enemy's suspicion and disrupt his thinking.

Or

b. Create something from nothing

A plain lie. Make somebody believe there was something when there is in fact nothing.

I am not about to pre-empt, and I dare not judge their level of thinking afterall wise politicians are notorious for changing their mind in a spade of a second. Likewise, they are also very forgetful or poor in memory. It is in their credibility to change their mind and hope the rest of the world are just poor in memory. Except for one unearthly fallacy, ever heard of politicians with credibility?

I really cannot imagine what sort of discussions is meant to be discussed for what was purportedly a weekend away. I would guess "An island lost and two stones gained", no? "A department closed down as a give away, and another coming soon, yes? Or luring more grasshoppers onto your net in anticipation of a mass exodus? Or could it be, it was just a weekend of sing and dance and to master the song “Don't Stand So Close to Me”, hang on…….”don't stand too close to us”.

Why not sing “Yesterday”.

Yesterday

All our troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay

Oh, we believeIn yesterday

Suddenly

We’re not half the party we used to be

There's a shadow hanging over us

Oh, Anwar

Came suddenly

Why they had to go we wouldnt know

They wouldn't say

We said

Something wrong now we long

For yesterday