CNY - Myths and Facts

Before I balik kampung, here is Chinese New Year easily explained to all of us.

1. Brooms are not welcomed, vacuum cleaner are okay.



2. You visit your friends / relatives with oranges and returned, by your host, another set of oranges. That itself is unlike your purchase of any goods and demanding a change/replacement. There is nothing wrong with either oranges.



3. Ang Pows are not transferable. You dont exchange Ang Pows, you give Ang Pows.



4. The 'lion' dance are performed by human, NOT the king of the jungle.



5. All chinese are not born on the 7th day of the lunar calendar.



6. 'Law Sang' is a dish where you may tossed clumsily without making a fuss.



7. Chinese beliefs is at its peak during the CNY. Dont try to be adventurous.



8. Kong Hee Fat Choy is not only with wealth, fortune, prosperity, and good luck. It is something more than that. It is more x 100 times wealth, fortune, prosperity, and good luck.



9. Reunion dinners on the eve has nothing to do with high school musical.



10. Ching-gay is not a gay congregation.



11. Gambling is strictly unprohibited by your parents over the CNY.



12. No lectures by any of your elders over the CNY. Young rebels, here is your chance.

With that, have a pleasant lunar new year.

Kong Hee Fat Choy

Today is the 23rd day of the 12th lunar month, a day most of us would let past just like any day of the month. This day is also known as "xiao nian" for the Chinese, which literally means "Little New Year." Traditionally it is an important occasion when people offer sacrifices to the "Kitchen God" who looks after the family's fortunes. Consider this folklore but I now know why the spring cleaning, well before the big day!

I also know the Chinese government gazetted the "chunyun", their version of balik kampung, a week ago. Our balik kampung, together with the Operasi Sikap XIX, is a piece of cake when you actually compare with their massive number of people travelling home before the Chinese New Year. The logistics is simply beyond comprehension. Think of this in a more generic way, demobilizing the entire Malaysia Chinese population is like demobilizing one of their many hundred third tier cities! This year, the Ministry of Communications estimates the number of spring transportation units will hit the unprecedented figure of 2.37 billion (including railway, road and journeys by air). I guess I am to be included in the statistics as I am scheduled to fly to Beijing on Tuesday. That, perhaps, explains why 2.37 billion trips when you only have around 1.4 billion population. Can you imagine how our KLIA and Puduraya handling the same volume? I know, for sure, Puduraya will sink by 2 inches, and KLIA, plus new Labu, taxis will be charging $1000 for a trip to KL. And how many more Sikap personnel are needed?

The thing about the Chinese, especially the younger generation, is that don't treat the lunar New Year as something significant. Whereas in our case, meaning the overseas born Chinese, we would, unquestionably, follow all the rules under the aged old custom. Yes, even if it bears no direct resemblance at all. How strange an irony is that! You take a good look at yourself in front of the mirror, and ask yourself the humble truth. “Which part of you is Chinese?” I am sure many of you will agree, except for the skin tone, we are a different breed of chinese. I say this because I do face the identity crisis in China. The Chinese took me as a foreigner, whilst the foreigner mistook me as Chinese. I can’t say much for a bloke who speaks flawless mandarin (yes, back in kampong my mandarin goes local as fast as instant noodles) in China and yet have great difficulties in reading and writing in Mandarin.

So when a real Chinese ask me if I am going back for "chun jie" or Spring Festival (aiya! We say "guo nian" lah), my instant reply would be “yes.” In their words, “yes, go back to my xiang xia”. Not realizing the kampong I referred was actually out of China. It is really a sad thing because you have subconsciously disassociated yourself from the mainstream Chinese roots. I also have this silly thought that lunar new year must be cold, in a similar way it is unthinkable to have hot Christmas in the southern hemisphere. But I do know CNY in Malaysia is forever hot, the Arctic winds never made it down south. Our seasons are forever summer and occasionally summer with rains! This was despite the fact that mum always say “that’s the winter wind,” and “spring is round the corner.” Mana ada? I guess that was one reason we never say “chun jie” because there simply ain’t no spring in Malaysia.

The other peculiarity about CNY is the reunion dinner. Now it is great to have the entire clan sitting down the round table and feasting the festival. I suppose this is possible if you have members of family within a stone’s throw away. These days, we could be thousands of stone throws away. And making the journey back is perhaps, in the meanest term, a struggle. I mean…look at China, look at the people queuing up for 3 days at the rail stations, all for the reunion dinner? Come on, there must be an easy way, or there must be exemptions. Aged old customs are not a necessity; it can be circumstantial if you must find a word to replace it. The Hongkie version of reunion dinner started just after Christmas! Man, hats off for them, these Hongkies are really innovative when it comes to bending the rules. So what do they do when it comes to New Year’s Eve? They flock overseas for a good holiday. That’s the modern version of CNY as I see it. Well…… they still keep the “fatt choy” word in every sentence they make. Quite remarkable for these resilient lot!

That much I have said. I am not particularly keen in restricting myself to all the rules and customs, but I will make the annual pilgrimage for the sake of my parents. Balik kampung is a must, and I will go back as if it was a norm. And I will pretend to be superstitious in the same manner that I have been brought up, for the sake of the older generation. CNY has its glory and grandeur when I was growing up, these days I probably sleep through it. No, I actually eat through the CNY, with heavy detoxifications in line after the makans and minums, later.

For the Chinese, and the many mockeries of the Chinese English, here is the official Chinese translation blunder as I would imagine.

a. Wan Xi Ruo Yi (Ten Thousand Matters Smooth)
b. Ma Dao Gong Chen (Horse Arrived at Success City)
c. Nian Nian Yu Yue (Year Year Have Plenty or Year Year Have Fish)
d. Bu bu Gao Shen ( Step Step Go Up)
e. Cai Yuan Gun Gun (Luck Wealth Roll Roll or in Singapore jargon Retrenchment Roll and roll)
f. Gong Xi Fa Cai (Wish Happiness Wealth and Money)

Wherever you are, whatever chineseness you have, Gong Xi Fa Cai or Kung Hei Fatt Choi or even Selamat Tahun Baru Cina, and in case you are still in doubt as to whether making the balik kampong is worthwhile trip, just wait for the Petronas advertisement. As for me, I still prefer our version, “Kong Hee Fat Choy to all”, and it is time to go home and celebrate “Chun Jie.” That is, after I braved myself through the sea of Chinese faces at the Beijing airport.

Kampung days CNY, you can't deprived yourself of those Fanta, F&N and Sarsi

PS. I better make a stopover at Beijing WangFuJing and see if I can buy anything right there in the heart of Chinese Chinatown. I will skip the big lanterns, sweet candies, calligraphy, tidbits………..errrrrrrrr what else should I buy then?? Perhaps, I should buy a T shirt with imprints such as “I CAME TO WANGFUJING AND BOUGHT NOTHING CHINESE” or “IS IT CHINESE NEW YEAR IN BEIJING?”

Balik Kampung Trail

Hohohoho ! Operasi Sikap is back again! And this time it will involve more than 6000 enforcement personnel. That sounds really cool and I think I know where the deployment is from (make a guess)…..hhehehe from KT. A day’s rest after the KT by-election, and all you fellas go back to your respective post out there along the highways.

Fact is…I have never travelled on the ‘balik kampung’ trail and therefore has no idea how the operasi sikap operates. I can only imagine, and I can tell you it is one arena that I never lack. Here are some fine examples of how the operasi will take place (in my mind, of course…….errrh hypothetically speaking):

a. Road side posts. Ever seen the shabbiness of some road side post? They are in dire needs for upgrading. Hmmmh…that’s money, you know. I wonder….if the VVVVVIP did dish out a few contracts in KT for this purpose. I hope he does, then the KTgites Class F(ailed) will come flying and in the process accrued so many ‘samans’ that it will eventually make them pay back VVVVVIP for dishing out the contracts. Clever, ain't it?

b. Manning the posts in mosquitoes infested area. Wah! Our personnel is putting their personal health at great risk. The Chikungunya is still at large, not to mention Dengue as well. I heard they have ample supply of Morpiko to last for a year.

c. Most posts are elevated, making them easier to spot a car from a thousand kilometer away. And it gets slippery easily in the tropical rainforest of our country. Careful not to be over-enthusiastic about your work because you are likely to slip and fell. But you are unlikely to be as lucky as her, because all the firemen may also balik kampung. So take my advice, don't be too adventurous.

d. Alternatively, you may be allowed to stay on the ground if you are acrophobia. The chances are, you may end up hiding in hideous piers of overhead bridge/viaduct. This could be proven fatal too because insidious drivers in our country have a proven record of being reckless while on the highway. There are more imported cars these days, 0 to 100 km/hr in less than 2 seconds. These are about a trillion times faster than our national car.

e. Or, you may opt to drive in the patrol car if you have severe doubts on all of the above. You may be safe in the car but you are notoriously braking in the middle of highway thereby disrupting the flows of the normal traffic. Of course, you also need the out-riders to back up.

f. Now you have a second reason, not just radaring over-speeding. You now have the other alternative, the rear selt belters! Like it or not, you need to stop a car to find out. Chances are they belt up faster than you take off your sun glasses.

g. Of course, your ultimate aim is to keep the public on a safe drive home, knowing very well their bonuses will be deprived proportionally with your over-enthusiastic drive. I have a friend who got trapped 13 times from JB to Ipoh. Like to beat his record?

So tell me honestly, how many summons are you planning to issue?

Seriously, folks, nevermind about these people being over zealous in carrying out their duties. Drive with care and be home safely in time for the reunion dinner.

It is the Year of the Ox, so please don't knock down any cows!

Please Teacher May I Go Out?

It's January, and that means it's time for kids in my home country to re-enter the school’s gate. To some people, going back to school is a much looked forward occasion, having lost touch for 7 weeks. To others, it is just another loathsome woe of having to adhere the long list of school’s disciplinary (never eat titbits being on the No: 1, with vulgar words losing by a whisker). I guess I belonged to the latter group of people. I never like school, and it is definitely not just avoiding school’s endless disciplinary list. It is something more…..and it lies deeply embedded in my heart……right here….in my chest. And yes, I played truancy well before I enter school formally. I remember vividly playing truancy in my kindergarten….and you know, I was caught and never to be allowed back to class by my old man. In all fairness, I don't blame him for taking his disappointment on me, nor would I blame myself for taking that one bold step. Yes, "One little step by me, one giant leap for the truant fraternity." I was sent to a kindergarten at my Kulai Besar estate whilst my elder brother had his pre-school at St Andrew’s Kindergarten (yup, the kindergarten that supplied Ovaltine for tea breaks). I don't suppose I need to say anymore apart from the fact the names of the kindergarten suggested they are worlds apart. And so whilst others marched into the class with that experience of school life, I entered Standard One literally a fresher of the freshies.

I am not aware if early recollection of childhood memories is a good thing but I definitely remember my 1st day at school 42 years ago. I woke up pretty early that faithful day, well before the morning sun blazed through the dews of dawn, and wore for the 1st time a school uniform. A white cotton shirt, stubbornly ironed off the excessive starching, and a very light blue short pants. Of course, there was the same old pair of white shoes and socks, with a matching school bag. Not bad, and believe it or not, I was then, as opposed to now, a rather cheerful little under-nourished boy who gingerly awaits to enter school. Mum, together with my blur brother, took me to school on the momentous day. And so, I enter Standard One Yellow with Miss Sinathamby as my school teacher….. (Damn! I can still remember her name). As fate has it, I wouldn't have imagined that I would spend a longer school life that most people when I ironically ‘ponteng’ my kindergarten class! Haizzzzzz! Had anyone told me, on my 1st school day, that I would go all the way and ends with a doctorate degree…….I will, without any doubts, ponteng again!

I don't remember myself crying like many others and I certainly don't recall myself smiling amongst the grim faces of 7 years old. Mum left the moment she led me into the class, and my merciless brother didn't even bother to buy me anything during recess. I was left to fend for myself, without knowing a word of English. That much, I still remember and, yes, pocket money was 15 cents then. I suspect that very day I went home empty stomach but I am not about to vouch for it, for I am sure my merciless brother felt the guilt all these years for not taking care of his little brother.

The first English word that came into my attention is not apple, bag, cat, or even dog. It is none other than ELEPHANT. Till this day, it remains a total mystery to me why I always have an affection for the word ELEPHANT. I don't like the animal, I just like the word. I have no explanation to that word except I knew how to write and spell it pretty early in my life. Even till today, whenever I come across this word, be it in newspaper or books, I would subconsciously read the word at least three more times. Pretty weird, isn’t it? The word ELEPHANT is about the only thing I remember about Standard One……errrrrr apart the fact that I had a crush for a classmate…..hahahah. I don't know if this has something to do with the body or the brain, but I definitely had a crush for a sweet little girl then. The next time such crush appeared in my life was during my Standard Six but different girl! In between the six years, I was just another naughty boy with no cravings for the opposite sex. I was more interested in looking out the windows and drifting my soul away into my dreamland. It was, afterall, during an era where even if nothing were to happen, it could be spectacularly fun. Nah, I was just trying to be jokingly funny…it was during an era of instabilities. Communist leaflets were found everywhere, the country is still 10 years after independence and tear gases were let off in abundance. Our only consolation was……Miss Sinathamby generously gave us Van Houten chocolates to soothe the piercing effect of the tear gas. What a good teacher she was!

Looking back at those innocent years, I can only say a few comforting words. Although I still don't like schooling, the school years had been the most eventful times of my life. And I say this to all parents, of all colours, that if you have a child that plays truancy and dreams for much of his times, it doesn't necessary mean your child is a non-achiever. It merely implies you have a ‘gifted’ child on hand and you need all the patience you can find to nurture his growth.

Definition of Gifted: Gifted students are not necessarily those who bring home the best report cards, but may well be the students at the back of the classroom whose abilities go unnoticed.

Postscript: Have you ever gone through the experience of holding your bowels, and your teacher relentlessly refused your permission to leave the class?

Student: Please teacher may I go out?
Teacher: No
Student: blaaaaa………hohohohoho
What a mess!!!

Note: The student is not me, and the teacher is not Miss Sinathamby.

Resolutions and Wishes

In a few hours, the world will usher the coming of 2009 and with that, a rousing finished to 2008. It was a year of mixed fortunes and someone, out there, must have made trillions out of the financial market if the statement “6 trillions has been wiped out from the global market” is true. It was a year that saw the US elected the first non-white president (makes no difference, actually. I have yet to see another black in his cabinet, think about it!!!) To me, this is absurd. Here is a nation whose citizen made the mistake twice just to be doubly sure and now they chose a greenhorn, as if telling the rest of the world they learned from their mistake. It was also a year that saw five of the Malaysian states going to the oppositions, and with it comes the series of our very own kampong politics. From what I can see, none of these parties are holier than the other. It probably is, to a certain degree, the lesser of two evils. I am not sure what to say except the fact that we are still at the experimental stage. Yes….all at the expense of the rakyat.

Then there is the possibility of recession looming around the corner, but with some consolation from our leaders that the country is immune against such threat. Sure, how bad can it go when you are already at rock bottom? I suspect it may not be the case here, for they are probably too busy fighting inside-out and outside-in for whatever is worth gaining at the very top. I say no more about politics apart the fact that it is filled with dirt and shits, blunders after blunders and sometimes a combo, the dirt-shit-blunder.

Personally, I would recount 2008 as a year when the rich can become poorer and the poor can become even poorer with the only exception if you are already at the poorest. Well established institutions collapsed like a pile of cards and the dominos effect pushes one after another. Mind you, it is a year where you see your investments going fluid, and any cashes on hand is further liquidated by the diminishing value. The worst part of it, you can’t do anything about it except to watch and still counting the losses (the Hang Seng Index dropped by 13500 points during 2008!). I am not a sour-grape; my money is simply hard-earned with sweat and blood. I blame no one for my greed and succumb to the very notion of life being full of surprises that one can never predict what’s coming and going. It is a bit gloomy at the moment, but you can bet something different is over the horizon…….at least we hope it brings more good news.

On the lighter side, I started blogging despite being told all these years of its existence. The reason being I was unable to hold a theme. I wanted to write about politics but I was too naïve and unlearned, or more importantly I don’t want to end up being sued for saying the right thing at the wrong time. I wanted to write more on the nostalgic past, but early Parkinson took the better of me……..what did I just say?? I try to convince myself that I should write something comical but subconsciously being driven to write a combination of both satirical and comical. As it stands, these blogs were nothing more than a personal view designed to amuse oneself in the isolation of being alone. Nothing in it constitutes the notion of modern literacy, nor does it carries the elements of intelligence. Nah, just an ordinary kopi-tiam jargon whereby nobody cares what will transpire from the ordinary topics of chats. It is just a cheeky tease to something more subtle……..SO Beware, you have be warned.

Last but not least, I would like to end this blog with a new year’s resolutions and wishes. I hope to visit my parents more often in the coming year, spend more time with them and take them for a holiday; and good health for all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR and GOOD RIDDANCE 2008!

Honk! If You Are a Malaysian

I don’t plan for holidays, particularly, when it was meant for Christmas. Because no matter how meticulous you may plan, there is always the element of over-crowdedness. Yes, trust me, the hotels you find is unlikely the decent hotel to suit your ‘standard’ and quite often you are likely to end up with noisy back-packers (in large numbers) or crying babies next to your room. And then, there is the ever frustrating heavy traffic (how is that the opposite side of the road is never busy??) and you need to brave your way through, sometimes hitting the brake and accelerator in one go!

Yes, this Christmas unlike all my past Christmas’ was a bit of an adventure. I remember slumbering over the sofa through-out the Christmas holidays during my days in the UK, and watching repeat after repeats of yesterday’s blockbusters. For most of the time, these so called blockbusters are likely to be older than you. That’s how bored Christmas can be in England, of all places. Out of boredom, occasionally, some bored sods will scream out at 2am in the morning, followed by more counter-screams to shut up the bored sods. More like unspayed female cats making noises to call her mates.
Coming to HK years later, I opt to change the celebration……I drank on Christmas’ eve then slumbered to sleep over the special day. Christmas is still boring to me, even with the bustling street-lights and decorations in HK. I don’t have any excuses, perhaps I don’t have the Christianity fate……..errrrr that would make another 5 million people in HK as bored as me.

I did something stupid this Christmas….I drove all the way from JB to Penang, did nothing, and then drove all the way back. I am sure my family members must have shared the same thought……..that I must be really mad. Perhaps it is because I am fast approaching 50, there is that urge inside me to prove ‘I am still young and I can do all that...’, or was because I wanted to get away from those Christmas jitters, subconsciously (awwww!!!!)

The distance from JB to Penang must be at least 630 km, making it closer to 1300 km in total. I guess I must have passed 1000 cars along the journey, not because I was over speeding……but a matter of ego. I wouldn’t tolerate all the kancils and protons over-taking me……..you know as the Chinese proverbial saying “mantis’ arm blocking a chariot”, no way! And likewise, more than 1000 cars must have overtaken me in the process because I was cruising for most of the time within my quantum of solace. But I am glad to add the toilets along the highway are immaculately clean…although mostly wet. I don't understand why Malaysian public toilets are ever notoriously WET, which, incidentally could be the fact we can’t aim properly or we flush our backside incessantly. And the stores…..mostly sell the same over-priced items without a sign of competitiveness and equally true, if not all, run by bumis. You can’t help but to beg the simple truth about our PM saying that the government provides equal opportunities to all Malaysians. Apart from the kopi-O kosong, the rest were simply unappealing to me. Why can’t the PLUS people get McD, KFC, Starbucks and the likes, to provide us with a wider range of choices instead of nasi lemaks, curry puff and mee rebus………and then be truly, indiscriminately and non-hypocritically seen as providing equal opportunities to all. I bet with my last $, that if they managed to get Harrods of Knightsbridge here, even selling winter wears will outdone our local souvenirs shops by a mile.
Finally, despite the existence of “undang-undang” on the Malaysian highways and other lists of operasi SIKAP XXIV or whatever, just remember there aren't any rules if you choose to drive in Malaysia. You just need to drive, and drive safely with your head ice-cooled from the heat of the afternoon sun. No honking, no swearing and lastly no kay-pohing, and the chances are you will eventually arrive home safely. That is……not until you leave the new JB checkpoint, with its ever meandering roads that brings you in and out of town, passing through uncountable amounts of road humps, hairpin bends and bumper to bumper speed that eventually let your chest explode and screamed out in disgust! Only then will you be allowed to honk, swear and kay-poh “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? IS THIS PLAIN STUPIDITY OR A COMPLETE MOCKERY OF WHAT CONSTITUTES BAD ENGINEERING PLANNING?” Yup, ironically Malaysia tu memang boleh!

You can't have this. They have made some radical changes since this montage was presented to the YAB

You are more likely to follow this sign if you drive past the CIQ today

Carry on driving, my fellow Malaysians……………….

It's Christmas Time Again

It’s the time of the year again. Yes, Christmas is here and lots of shopping to do. It is the time of the year you irked most because you need to buy something special for your other half, or for your children. Nothing is right for your other half because she will always hope for something different. Say you buy her a nice diamond ring and she is likely to…. “Why are you being so spendthrift?” Next year you got her a pen and she responds coldly …. “A pen?” It is hard to please a person, and Christmas does entail such nuisance and headache. For the offspring the festivity comes with a lesser fuss and is usually along the line …. “Dad never gets it right, rightly or wrongly.”

It is also a season to remind oneself to send immeasurable number of greeting cards, never mind how remote that person can be in your social circle. The age old rule of “never forget anybody, lest no one will remember you” applies. In the old days, we sign and post every card personally. These days we dish out digitised Christmas cards but you still need to cut and paste which can be really tedious. Trust me, I tried and spent 8 hours doing that chaos with my only breaks being lunch and a phone conference to Mumbaiiiiii deh.

No Christmas celebration is complete until the Christmas Ball or dinner. That’s another downside of Christmas. You need a partner, and you are likely to spend days checking and deciding who you want to invite. Then you worried yourself over the “never overdressed, more importantly, don't look smarter than your boss” rule. In short, Christmas parties suck. You may wish to know that out of the 10 Christmas Ball I attended, I went away inappropriately dressed for the occasion! Our theme for this year was “Hollywood”, and I felt I dressed like an over-weight Marlon Brando amongst the pool of Brad Pitt’s lookalike. To add salt to the old wound, I am pretty sure all the Brad Pitts lookalike don't wear wigs. Haizzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!! Christmas sucks and is a perennial morale detrimental season.

Like it or not, I am going back to my kampong for this Christmas. I suppose hibernating in that backdrop will be better because nobody in that place bothers about the festival. Arggggghhh! Except for my dear little sister, who in the yesteryears, spent hours decorating her own version of a ‘Xmas’ tree. Alas, the ‘snow’ on the tree were cottons (tonnes of it!), and over many many Xmas later, they turned yellowish. Looking back, I can only say she tried to instil some festivity mood onto all of us but we failed, each year, to reciprocate her gesture with any gifts whatsoever. The only ‘gift’ she got was a reminder (a lecture, actually) from mum on the “snow” spewing over the house.

And so for this Christmas I will choose to laze back and think about the many different ‘happy’ Christmas I have spent and perhaps chirping merrily away those ever wonderful Christmas songs. Yes, those songs that arouse dreamy, heart-warming memories of childhood. Or, those that gives you an acute case of heartburn. With this, Merry Christmas folks.

Silent night, holy night,
All is calm, all is bright……but not the stock market……..


Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
Our troubles will be out of sight……. Except for our investments ….

This the season for generosity
A time to give and to receive
My Christmas list consists of just one sweet dream....


I know what I want for Christmas this year
I hope my note got to Santa on time
I’m a little bit nervous,


It’s kind of a big thing I’m asking for
I don’t know if I deserve it but, boy, if I get it
I’ll never ask for anything more……..Santa, I say no more!!!!!


MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR