Kopi Tiam: Honk! If You Are a Malaysian

I don’t plan for holidays, particularly, when it was meant for Christmas. Because no matter how meticulous you may plan, there is always the element of over-crowdedness. Yes, trust me, the hotels you find is unlikely the decent hotel to suit your ‘standard’ and quite often you are likely to end up with noisy back-packers (in large numbers) or crying babies next to your room. And then, there is the ever frustrating heavy traffic (how is that the opposite side of the road is never busy??) and you need to brave your way through, sometimes hitting the brake and accelerator in one go!

Yes, this Christmas unlike all my past Christmas’ was a bit of an adventure. I remember slumbering over the sofa through-out the Christmas holidays during my days in the UK, and watching repeat after repeats of yesterday’s blockbusters. For most of the time, these so called blockbusters are likely to be older than you. That’s how bored Christmas can be in England, of all places. Out of boredom, occasionally, some bored sods will scream out at 2am in the morning, followed by more counter-screams to shut up the bored sods. More like unspayed female cats making noises to call her mates.

Coming to HK years later, I opt to change the celebration……I drank on Christmas’ eve then slumbered to sleep over the special day. Christmas is still boring to me, even with the bustling street-lights and decorations in HK. I don’t have any excuses, perhaps I don’t have the Christianity fate……..errrrr that would make another 5 million people in HK as bored as me.

I did something stupid this Christmas….I drove all the way from JB to Penang, did nothing, and then drove all the way back. I am sure my family members must have shared the same thought……..that I must be really mad. Perhaps it is because I am fast approaching 50, there is that urge inside me to prove ‘I am still young and I can do all that...’, or was because I wanted to get away from those Christmas jitters, subconsciously (awwww!!!!)

The distance from JB to Penang must be at least 630 km, making it closer to 1300 km in total. I guess I must have passed 1000 cars along the journey, not because I was over speeding……but a matter of ego. I wouldn’t tolerate all the kancils and protons over-taking me……..you know as the Chinese proverbial saying “mantis’ arm blocking a chariot”, no way! And likewise, more than 1000 cars must have overtaken me in the process because I was cruising for most of the time within my quantum of solace. But I am glad to add the toilets along the highway are immaculately clean…although mostly wet. I don't understand why Malaysian public toilets are ever notoriously WET, which, incidentally could be the fact we can’t aim properly or we flush our backside incessantly. And the stores…..mostly sell the same over-priced items without a sign of competitiveness and equally true, if not all, run by bumis. You can’t help but to beg the simple truth about our PM saying that the government provides equal opportunities to all Malaysians. Apart from the kopi-O kosong, the rest were simply unappealing to me. Why can’t the PLUS people get McD, KFC, Starbucks and the likes, to provide us with a wider range of choices instead of nasi lemaks, curry puff and mee rebus………and then be truly, indiscriminately and non-hypocritically seen as providing equal opportunities to all. I bet with my last $, that if they managed to get Harrods of Knightsbridge here, even selling winter wears will outdone our local souvenirs shops by a mile.
Finally, despite the existence of “undang-undang” on the Malaysian highways and other lists of operasi SIKAP XXIV or whatever, just remember there aren't any rules if you choose to drive in Malaysia. You just need to drive, and drive safely with your head ice-cooled from the heat of the afternoon sun. No honking, no swearing and lastly no kay-pohing, and the chances are you will eventually arrive home safely. That is……not until you leave the new JB checkpoint, with its ever meandering roads that brings you in and out of town, passing through uncountable amounts of road humps, hairpin bends and bumper to bumper speed that eventually let your chest explode and screamed out in disgust! Only then will you be allowed to honk, swear and kay-poh “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? IS THIS PLAIN STUPIDITY OR A COMPLETE MOCKERY OF WHAT CONSTITUTES BAD ENGINEERING PLANNING?” Yup, ironically Malaysia tu memang boleh!