You may have read the recent news report that Vietnam’s economy is heading for a downturn whilst India’s is still going hot! I don’t mean curry, I meant their economy. This worries me. I think the root of it is really to do curry and the likelihood to blow gas after a heart-felt consumption. Dangerous stuff, may I add.
I was in mystical land, India, over the weekend on a business trip although pleasure is also on the agenda. At least, that was what I thought. I was unaware of the customs and the way to respond in a strange land of Indians. In my mind, there are only two types of Indian. One is the Semi-Value version where you habitually change your toupee: synthetic fiber or real (those that get washed by Ganges River). The other version bollywood, Siao-Veli, version where you habitually show-off with mobs of hair (really envious of these people): dancing and singing all the time for no apparent reason.
Wherever I go, I find 50% of them don’t speak a word of English, 30% knew some but is unable to make up a sentence, and the 20% who knew ended up speaking with their head shaking in synchrony to each syllable they pronounced. I feel sick looking at the head shifting left to right; back and forth……..you get that feeling? I don’t understand why after some 100 years or so of British rule, Indian still cannot speak Inglish. I tried figuring this out in the taxi, in their tutu but definitely not on the bus, and almost came out with an answer. But as soon as I came close to fitting the gaps between the riddles, I got intoxicated with someone’s natural exhaust! Yes, the beans they really can generate gases of all kind. I am also glad to concur that natural fart out of vegetarian diets don’t smell. Hahahahhahahahaha….. So the next time you go to India, you don’t have to wear mask or cover your nose upon hearing some strange noises oozing out from within the sarees or Salwars.
Indians are also notoriously slow in whatever they do. Simple chores will take them eternity, be it alighting from a car or a plane. In my two days there, I must have witnessed my nails growing while waiting for the person in front of me making an order. I find it very strange, and rather amusing that people in this sub-continent love doing this in a slow motion. You see a Bollywood movie, everybody is dancing and moving contrastingly fast……..or could it be they fast forward the reel of films?? I am not surprised considering Bollywood produces something like 300 movies per day. If they can make so many movies in a day, they can most certainly do the fast forward at the blink of an eye. Trust me, I am saying this with great confidence for I am sure I saw an extra doze off in one corner while those ‘fast forward dancing main characters’ were dancing, smiling and singing all in one shot! Yes, I admit I was watching TV in my hotel and watching Bollywood to the fullest.
Indian cars, like their drivers, are slow and small. So small that it makes you wonder how a big Indian can fit into it comfortably. And they love cramming into their car in a number more than it was manufactured to take. Can you imagine in those baking hot summer, someone did something really cheeky…….like releasing a long fart? Ironically, most Indian cars come without air-condition even with the technological feat they are able to boast! My guess is they have a reason for what they do, all those beans diet makes them fart perpetually and one just needs to keep the ventilation in a proper order.
That's when you fart too much and everybody needs a fresh breather
I am also equally bemused the degree of conservatism the Indian society can be, even in this 21st century. I went to the spa with my colleague, and after spending 15 minutes we finally arrived at a choice of massage. It was termed four hands massage, with a reasonable charge over a reasonable duration. Both of us asked the lady what actually constitutes a four hand massage. She gave us a plain simple answer of ……..two masseurs. Wow! One doing the head and the other doing the body……in my dreams! And we waited, and waited until some 30 minutes later a man turned up in front of us. My natural instincts told me that this is the very person who, accompanied by an even bigger fella, is going to massage me! So I asked hoping for a negative answer. I was disappointed that my instincts were true, and shocked by the fact that any ably bodied person (man in particular) may subdue himself to another bloke. I stood up, said ‘sorry’ and headed for the door without bothering to look back at cluster of surprise faces!
That's part consequences of riding over-crowded cars or too much curries
This, incidentally, brought my memory back to my school years of memorizing famous quotation from famous person. Since I am in India, I guess good old Mahatma Gandhi’s quotes amply described my trip to India. Here it is for all of you, “Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny”.
Mr. Gandhi, with all due respects, my belief is that I thought India is a modern society, whatever I said only 20% of your people can understand and I don’t feel sick all the time. If you think puking is my habits then you are wrong because I don’t value my pukes. Perhaps it is my destiny to visit India now but I still think I came 100 years too early!
Now we know why so many of us simply walk over and embrace kiasuness. In a way, it is weird, saying something bad about these people is like saying in front of the mirror. It reflects on us, the very same people only in a different land. Chim leh, my fri-end………..
The weird thing was that the organiser, as well as the newspaper, thought this so called Pow-wow is introduced as if it was dramatically different. Yeah…..without the Red Indians but lots of cowboys, I might agree it may be dramatically different! At this stage, I can begin to think of a thousand names to replace Pow-wow if the names don't bear any resemblance to the meeting. I can call it:
I am also not sure if anyone of them ever read Sun-Tzu and the art of war. In case they hadn’t, I urge them to read it now. Or have I missed something??? They could have read it, and start practising it by now. The Pow-Wow is perhaps one of the 36 stratagems, I can think of:
Everything around was simply simple. We don’t see much private cars; there were more kereta sapu than private cars if my memory didn’t betray me. We took bus because it was cheaper, and the conductor was a really nice person with a great smile. Laksa was only 10 cents; my school pocket money was 15 cents, 20 cents and finally 40 cents. I no longer take buses now, laksa is now HK$20 per bowl and my daughter’s pocket money now is HK$20 per day. How time have changed. They say it is something to do with inflation, that might be true but I am thinking of something else.
It is something to do with people doing less and charging more. When I was young, everybody work like shit all day long and paid miserably low….more like you are being paid in terms of speck of dirt. Today we work lesser, and being paid more! Some even work on a newer platform called ‘working at home’. Gee! If my mum were to be like that in those good old days, we get to eat stuffed ‘tau hu’ all the time! What is working at home? More like ‘dream at home’ rather, and create innovative ideas to make all of us working less and getting paid more for doing some other menial stuff. The world has come to accept what I believe is truly neurotic ideas for inept old timers like me. It is call automation. Everything, with the exception of my Caltex Ah Pek, is going towards that direction. I give you a few examples to set your mind rolling:
c. Touch-n-go – touch your card against a board, PLUS will bill you later with more chances of over-charging
Intelligent lift gets you to all floors except your floor. The whole idea of intelligent lift stems out to reduce your travelling time by letting you onto designated floors. What they don't tell you is, you must indicate your floors at the lobby. Well……..chances is that we all rush into the first available lift and that’s when your trouble begins. You go all the way up, and then come down to where you first started. Hops onto another only to find out it wont stop at your floor either. And after many trials and errors you finally managed, if you are lucky, to get where you had originally intended but you are either too late for your appointment or it is time to go home. 
You could also end up like these boys, rather nerd looking!
This oil crisis is going to make our life a living hell. I still remember my first encounter, as a child, of the oil crisis back in 1973. I hear words i don't understand like oil crisis, oil embargo, Arabs etc etc when the said oil price was something like US$23 per barrel! Today it is US$128 per barrel but I don't hear and still don't understand oil crisis, oil embargo or the Arabs. Why huh?
Making our household electrical applicances redundant
Fight Inflation
Drive less but keep our car in good use
Above all, try alternative energy
What is wealth when you are over a certain threshold? You wont be able to use the money, they are just figures but with many many zeros behind the front number. You probably need a hundred accountants to keep track of your wealth for which you, or your future generations, will not be able to use it to the fullest. To get a better perception of this astronomical figure, a US$1 billion is equivalent to length of 5 times the earth's circumference covered by US$100 when aligned edge to edge, or if you start counting U$1 per second, you need ten years to complete this feat, notwithstanding the compounded interest! 
I often told my friends, my siblings and even to new acquaintances, money not spent is not yours. I should make it clear that I am talking in literal terms here. Say how much did you spend this year? “Oh! Let me see, I spent a million on LV on one of our spontaneous jest in Paris and won the bet because I spent a million bucks in under 2 hours. And a couple of thousands euros at Hotel De Paris in Monte Carlo, serenade with a choice of vintage wine and won handsomely at the baccarat table. Auctioned at Christie’s for a few bargain prices portraits and sold recently with an unexpected profit margin. And………..all in all, I did not spend a cent from my coffer, come to think of it, love.” See, it is still not your money!! Geram lah!!!
I am not rich per say, but I am also not poor on the very same par. I can’t say I will be a billionaire in my living years but I will say I won’t be in the billionaires’ club even when I have long gone to heaven. Don't get me wrong, I am no sour grape or a green eyes monster (as my younger sister so profoundly puts it), but I do care about the milestones to chart a few dollars in my journey of life. I am happy if I have $10 million in the bank and I will not be any happier if I have $100 million in the same bank. Indeed, I can only cope with a limited number of zeroes in my bank account else the excitement will increase with my blood pressure.
Given the fact I am not hungry for anything more than 7 zeroes, I reckoned I will be wealthier if I can have the best health than anything greater than 8 zeroes. You can either agree with me or dispute my claim as ludicrously illogical. I have just calculated my life-time savings, which is about 1.01 billion Vietnamese dung (ehhh…sorry Dong). I am now in the same league as the rest of the billionaires in Malaysia; perhaps Forbes should now consider listing my name at the very bottom.
Latest list of Forbes Malaysia Billionaires
Incidentally, why do we insist on US$ as the benchmark? Why can’t we have the Vietnamese Dong instead? It will certainly make our esteem a bit more sweeter and make at least a couple of millions of us billionaires except for my poor niece who squandered her would-be billion dungs on Hari Botak and the sequels of half baked potatoes! Or we could also use the ringgit as the benchmark, and it would make a further handful of people in dire need of explanation as to how they make their billions! ding ding!!!! 
