Tales from a Fortified City

I heard the Chinese government is gearing up all ‘necessary’ measures to make the Olympic Game a truly sporting event. Roughly, these translate to around 5 top security checkpoints, including one for entering the toilet! The so-called ‘necessary’ measures meant having a surface-to-air missiles regiment outside the birdnest to a person watching over your shoulder while you take a pee! I am not so sure if their intelligence unit had taken this as an ‘over-the-top’ priority but in war times, this would be the mobilization of full military defence line. But then again, this is China; a country that will surprise you at any time! So, beware. If you go there now, security people will check your ID once per hundred yard and you have no choice but to oblige smilingly.


The cost for all these security measure is approximately RMB 50 billion and if have no idea what a billion is like, please read my earlier blog. That bill is for the manning of around 110,000 top notch professional military and uniform personnel (all just about 6 ft tall, not an inch shorter or taller). Even in Hong Kong, some 2500 km away from the capital, we are deploying 4000 police to man the security. Needless to say, the HK police personnel comes in all odd shapes and sizes………..hey, we need the more able bodies to do the top-top security like protecting the Chief Executive!

And you know we are hosting the Equestrian event……..I am sorry but of all Olympic sports, this is just about the only one that I failed to appreciate and understand. What is dressage, eventing and jumping? Hey, mind you this is also the only sport in the Olympic that an animal is allowed……….it hadn’t cross your mind leh!!!!! I really pitied those damn horses for jumping and galloping in a weather that hardly dips below 33 C in the summer. Our own horses, those under the infamous Hong Kong Jockey Club, are taking the summer break because of the severe summer heat. I am beginning to wonder how many horses will die of heat stroke. In the first place how on earth did Beijing agree to Hong Kong bid to host the equestrian??? We begged just like our forefathers did by kowtowing to the emperor in the mandarin court? Or we think we know more about horses because we betted heavily and bet that Beijing will agree to our request? Whichever way, I am dead certain we have top top security as directed from Beijing. I know because I drove past an empty usually busy road this evening. In front of me is a beeline of police personnel, behind me is also a great-wall of trucks and coaches…….they even closed the river!! Erm, they probably read Datuk Lat’s hypothetical theory on how the Japanese Red Army hijacked the AIA building back in the 70s……hehehehe.

Since the game is in China, we can suggest some introductory games to the rest of the world. I can think of:

a. mahjong - under Taiwanese, Hong Kong and Cantonese rules

b. long marching - walking backwards

c. chinese kung fu - Panda

d. squatting - by the kerb side

e. spitting - ends with a 'tong'

f. cigarette smoking - 20 sticks per minute is the current world record

g. peeling and eating chicken feet.

Seriously, the heat is on Beijing to save the faces of 1.5 billion Chinese in this world. Everywhere I go, I see people claiming to be Chinese, half Chinese or even a fraction of a Chinese. Quite happily, people just wanted to be Chinese today unlike 20 odd years ago, we were labeled a Chinky and a facial expression of slid eyes like Fu Manchu. You now have a city under a thick layer of smog with the municipal government taking all measures to have a green Olympic. All factories are shut down or relocated. Cars in the city are allowed entry with even and odd numbers through the week. The migrant workers are ushered, no shoo, out of the city while the rest of the city’s construction is going full swing! When you are in Beijing, you are greeted with a new terminal, new newer buildings each taller than the other, three new metro lines and a host of environmental friendly public transportation. They banned practically everything except for Peking duck I am glad to add.

At the expense of everybody, they created an Olympic, their world their dream. My question is, although I played a minor role in the developments,…………is all these worth the penny? If you ask me if I have any regrets in life, I am most probable to say yes. Yes, being the fact that I turned down a free opening ceremony ticket. Today, it is rumoured to reach a tout value of $250,000 per ticket in the black market. What to do, I also happened to think pigs can fly too!

Erm, that’s not quite right, guys

We often make the mistake of saying that another believes something; all we can do is say that another claim to believe, as there are often very many reasons to express a belief that is different from what one believes, and, I think, politics being most often the case. I do believe, as would many a political observers is likely to start, we are into another political faux pas which I find rather interesting and revolting. But I am not a political observer and hence I am more likely rather use, what my kopitiam kakis usually utter, “how leh?? What happen? What’s next in this political conundrum?”

There are many reasons why you may wish to dig and delve deep into stories that made headlines these days. The one and most common reason being we are too nosy and curious to find the answer that probably answers all the questions of the past, present and future. Interestingly whichever way you may choose, you are most likely to end up with another story. Hmmmmm…that’s being part of bolehland lah.

We now have a doctor who has gone into hiding along with his family. I remember not so long ago, we also have a private investigator who surfaced, to tell the truth and nothing but the truth and then…………came back within 24 hours to retract the statement. He, naturally, went missing after that. Just when we are trying out best to track down this PI with GPS, we are confronted with another bloke who allegedly diagnosed professionally (…so chivalrous of him, clap clap clap ….but who hasn't had the time to re-diagnosed again), also playing the Houdini act. Pretty amusing, isn’t it? I remember only kids play the hide-and-seek, but now even adults took a special interest in the game and played rather differently, like in a incognito manner? Much like our friend Radovan Karadzic who play the game so well and lasted 12 years.

I don't know about you, but I am totally dumbfounded by the claims, counter claims and the many countered counter claims that defeat the simplest simple logic. I call it the first principle of defying a simple logic. Yup, I now learned, unwilling, to accept that DNA does have an expiry date and hence defying all theories related to the evolution and annihilation of dinosaurs. And you know what, our great VIPs concurred that 10 years is just about the maximum period for any samples of DNA to be accurate. Wait a minute, Jurassic Park is therefore a Hollywood hoax without scientific backings……emmmmmhhhhh listen to the leaders lah. Then we also have our very own police who, and very seldom, acted enthusiastically until recently. Without any proof, they refuted the legitimacy of the so-called medical report. Wah…they deduced that it is not genuine and must be stopped at once without a reason. I must say, have it entirely slipped their minds that the most popular pastimes of the majority of us today is to read newspapers, digest them and make up kopitiam assumptions. Unless, they are adamant in using the infamous unshakeable logic found only within the First Principle of Defying Simple Logic.

I am going to have my DNA analyse tomorrow, I need some substance to defy the First Principle of Defying Simple Logic, to say the least. You coming along, Albert?

Who needs Sanity

As the country plunges into its fifty-one year of independence, it is becoming pretty scarily obvious that lot of our fellow citizens are not prepared to cope with the present bundle of predicaments / excitements. In a spate of few months, relatively short compared to fifty years of historical events, we have witnessed all the dirt and filth of politicking. In other words, what I am really trying to say is you need someone to bulldoze the old horizon and re-shape a new. You don't have to be clever you just need to avoid being stupid and say the right thing at the right instance. You don't have to lead, the people will follow you so long as you plenty of dettol to cleanse your hands, feet and body to project a Mr. Clean. But you do need to be weary of what you do behind the public radar. Don't forget the public is a kaleidoscope of strange sights and impressions. You may have a brain about the size of a pea but that is perfectly alright.

Like many unassuming innocent kopitiam folks, I have watched, digested and sautéed the country’s yoyo political scenes with butter /oil over the past few months. But unlike the rest of you, being a totally self-obsessed egotist and total brute, I tacitly knew the answer to all this. And I am going to share this with your folks in line with the tradition of kopitiam lies and bullshits. And, why not? After all, with all these happenings and heaps of craps, who is to say who is right or wrong! I believe the country is either moving onto the menopause years, or the nation is being manipulated by handful of saboteurs. Surely the former has to be the answer else where on this planet can you read, heard and gossiped of all things about sedition, sodomy, statutory declarations, judiciary mockery et cetera lumped under one parcel? You know the hormones changes make the body go haywire, and so does a country……it makes sense….hahahaha.

You have a perennial sleeper named ‘diu’, who keeps sleeping through the changes. You then have a senile old dog by the name of ‘la’, which keeps barking at the wrong tree or any other trees, and is being isolated from the rest of the community. Stray dogs are dangerous stuff and should be avoided at all cost! You can’t have them peeing at your knees thinking the legs are lamp-post (poor eye-sight mah). You also have a fella, named ‘ma’, who thinks of himself as the hybrid of Rambo and Terminator: - Ramminator. Yup, Ramminator have a secret crush on ramming and jamming about with a detonator. Put these three entities together, you have the ultimate combo of ‘diu-la-ma’………jee! That’s disgusting!

Oh! Almost forgotten a rising star, or ex-rising star to be precise, named ‘ass’ that is often caught/accused of entering the wrong hole. Not a noble thing to brag about even if you done it once, worse if you have it twice under your belt. We then have another chubby over scale version of davidy Copperfield, name ‘luck’ who is fond and capable of doing the ultimate magical act of self-vaporisation…….aye, beam me up Scottie! Sure, ‘ass-luck’ will do.

With so much uncertainties loaming in the air, aren’t we blessed with that itsy bitsy tinnie winnie window of breather? To say the least, with the present hardships brought about by neglect, incompetence, indifference and ignorance, among other shortcomings, we could certainly use this self-styled Bollywood-cum-Hollywood backstabbing soap opera to rub a few ribs of laughter. But whatever it is, there is one thing that you can be sure of! You will be entertained and kept entertained for a good lengthy period. By which time, I am sure most of us will wake up and say…….. Get us the local Oliver stones and rewrite the damn script to “nothing is controversial but thought provoking”. Or, we can always engage a Woody Allen look-alike to rewrite the script to “everything you want to know but are afraid to ask”. That will give us the ultimate truth, although still a lie but at least a logical one.

It’s funny how the political parties are trying to separate the game rules, but not from politics and campaigning. Every 4 to 5 years you see the politicians trying to convince us that they are “like us” when they visit villages, supermarkets, post offices, etc but on any other day these millionaire snobs wouldn’t be caught in these locations. You would think the wolf would tire of throwing on the sheeps clothing. You would think the sheep would learn to be able to recognize a wolf in sheep clothing. . . Maybe they are indeed the sane people in this land of the insane.

SO-DO-MY FOOT

Like any ordinary folks, inside and outside the country, I have watched the recent events in our political arena bouncing up and down over the past few months. Things must have reached the boiling speculation point at every coffee shops and mamak stores in the country. I guess no talks will be without the saucy juices of “sotong me” and “mince meat” recipes. I can imagine if you asked for a sotong mee, you will inevitably end up talking the slimy tales of who has entered illegally. And if you order spaghetti bolognaise…….you know you are likely to start talking about the various extra-ordinary ways of making mince meat. I can think of plenty other foods but I am sure you get my point.

Seriously, while we may see the political events advancing to newer heights, further unnatural corrections remained a real threat, as does the possibility of the many unnamed souls trapped in this narrow line of political uncertainties. Today you may be advancing your political status, tomorrow you may fall down into the wilderness. But the worst position you may not wished to enter is being squashed in the narrow line of uncertainties. In other words, what I really intend to say is, “it has nothing to do with you or me unless you are a politician”. Bystanders like us can only rely on a few sources for information, and the rest is a complete fabrication of our own imagination. And why not? I am sure somewhere in the country is a factory churning out fabricated lies, bio-physical evidences and even clones with peanut brains micro-chipped to behave like forensic specialists. I guess we all remember the sudden emergence of “smoking guns” chemist who took the expert opinion stand long time ago. And the clone went into oblivion after that……..strange is it not?

Ten years ago, someone accused you of favouring “sotong mee”, which was subsequently overturned five years ago. Ten years on, the same league of another someone accused you of your perennial savouring of that “sotong mee”. Your taste bud never changed despite the years in solitary?? C’mon baby light my fire!!!!! I can’t imagine an older person not caring for his ailing health by pumping in more cholesterol from that slimy sotong? Unless somebody is stupid enough to cook the same trick on you plate in the luxury comfort of your own love nest. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new trick? Sorry, same trick!! Lightning strikes you twice……..when you are least prepared!

careful doggy, wrong end!!!!

Ya baby! light my fire!!!!!

I read somewhere an article written by someone some time ago, that plague / pestilence / curse come once every ten years. What’s next? I haven’t the faintest clue. Coincidence? Karma? …….hmmmmhh we shall wait with grave patience until the entire drama unfolds. Meanwhile I have these little advices for the older folks even though I haven’t the foggiest idea what is going on, “do not employ any young assistants but if you do, you must not let them take your soiled linen away” and “do not go to the general hospital if you have constipation because they are likely to diagnose you wrongly".

buttocks or bust: it depends on which way you are looking