You may have read the recent news report that Vietnam’s economy is heading for a downturn whilst India’s is still going hot! I don’t mean curry, I meant their economy. This worries me. I think the root of it is really to do curry and the likelihood to blow gas after a heart-felt consumption. Dangerous stuff, may I add.
I was in mystical land, India, over the weekend on a business trip although pleasure is also on the agenda. At least, that was what I thought. I was unaware of the customs and the way to respond in a strange land of Indians. In my mind, there are only two types of Indian. One is the Semi-Value version where you habitually change your toupee: synthetic fiber or real (those that get washed by Ganges River). The other version bollywood, Siao-Veli, version where you habitually show-off with mobs of hair (really envious of these people): dancing and singing all the time for no apparent reason.
Wherever I go, I find 50% of them don’t speak a word of English, 30% knew some but is unable to make up a sentence, and the 20% who knew ended up speaking with their head shaking in synchrony to each syllable they pronounced. I feel sick looking at the head shifting left to right; back and forth……..you get that feeling? I don’t understand why after some 100 years or so of British rule, Indian still cannot speak Inglish. I tried figuring this out in the taxi, in their tutu but definitely not on the bus, and almost came out with an answer. But as soon as I came close to fitting the gaps between the riddles, I got intoxicated with someone’s natural exhaust! Yes, the beans they really can generate gases of all kind. I am also glad to concur that natural fart out of vegetarian diets don’t smell. Hahahahhahahahaha….. So the next time you go to India, you don’t have to wear mask or cover your nose upon hearing some strange noises oozing out from within the sarees or Salwars.
Indians are also notoriously slow in whatever they do. Simple chores will take them eternity, be it alighting from a car or a plane. In my two days there, I must have witnessed my nails growing while waiting for the person in front of me making an order. I find it very strange, and rather amusing that people in this sub-continent love doing this in a slow motion. You see a Bollywood movie, everybody is dancing and moving contrastingly fast……..or could it be they fast forward the reel of films?? I am not surprised considering Bollywood produces something like 300 movies per day. If they can make so many movies in a day, they can most certainly do the fast forward at the blink of an eye. Trust me, I am saying this with great confidence for I am sure I saw an extra doze off in one corner while those ‘fast forward dancing main characters’ were dancing, smiling and singing all in one shot! Yes, I admit I was watching TV in my hotel and watching Bollywood to the fullest.
Indian cars, like their drivers, are slow and small. So small that it makes you wonder how a big Indian can fit into it comfortably. And they love cramming into their car in a number more than it was manufactured to take. Can you imagine in those baking hot summer, someone did something really cheeky…….like releasing a long fart? Ironically, most Indian cars come without air-condition even with the technological feat they are able to boast! My guess is they have a reason for what they do, all those beans diet makes them fart perpetually and one just needs to keep the ventilation in a proper order.
That's when you fart too much and everybody needs a fresh breather
I am also equally bemused the degree of conservatism the Indian society can be, even in this 21st century. I went to the spa with my colleague, and after spending 15 minutes we finally arrived at a choice of massage. It was termed four hands massage, with a reasonable charge over a reasonable duration. Both of us asked the lady what actually constitutes a four hand massage. She gave us a plain simple answer of ……..two masseurs. Wow! One doing the head and the other doing the body……in my dreams! And we waited, and waited until some 30 minutes later a man turned up in front of us. My natural instincts told me that this is the very person who, accompanied by an even bigger fella, is going to massage me! So I asked hoping for a negative answer. I was disappointed that my instincts were true, and shocked by the fact that any ably bodied person (man in particular) may subdue himself to another bloke. I stood up, said ‘sorry’ and headed for the door without bothering to look back at cluster of surprise faces!
That's part consequences of riding over-crowded cars or too much curries
This, incidentally, brought my memory back to my school years of memorizing famous quotation from famous person. Since I am in India, I guess good old Mahatma Gandhi’s quotes amply described my trip to India. Here it is for all of you, “Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny”.
Mr. Gandhi, with all due respects, my belief is that I thought India is a modern society, whatever I said only 20% of your people can understand and I don’t feel sick all the time. If you think puking is my habits then you are wrong because I don’t value my pukes. Perhaps it is my destiny to visit India now but I still think I came 100 years too early!
Now we know why so many of us simply walk over and embrace kiasuness. In a way, it is weird, saying something bad about these people is like saying in front of the mirror. It reflects on us, the very same people only in a different land. Chim leh, my fri-end………..
The weird thing was that the organiser, as well as the newspaper, thought this so called Pow-wow is introduced as if it was dramatically different. Yeah…..without the Red Indians but lots of cowboys, I might agree it may be dramatically different! At this stage, I can begin to think of a thousand names to replace Pow-wow if the names don't bear any resemblance to the meeting. I can call it:
I am also not sure if anyone of them ever read Sun-Tzu and the art of war. In case they hadn’t, I urge them to read it now. Or have I missed something??? They could have read it, and start practising it by now. The Pow-Wow is perhaps one of the 36 stratagems, I can think of:
